a beginning

I didnt think I wanted to start another community. Then I started to wonder if its just my fears holding me back. It's time to dream big and try something crazy. It has worked for me in the past.
I have almost no money, but I will get some land. I have started gathering my tribe and I will work even harder now.
Lets build a village!

to be continued

from 8-22-10

Portland century 2010. I am riding my bike today in honor of Shawn. He was one of those people everyone can instantly love. His heart must have eminated his essence and love of life all the time. I just knew at the time that he could bike ride 30 miles with me, even if I took all day. He could enjoy sitting in my van in a parking lot. He made it fun. He took pictures. He taught me about the osprey. We looked at plants. He did his Michael Cera schtick. We laughed at the calorie counter on the burgerville receipts . We laughed when the worker argued with Ama about 25 cents. He joined the costume bike parade and left with me when I was tired. He helped load all 6 of us and our bikes into the van for a quick getaway. He witnessed the watermelon boat incident TDF 2009. He chilled and watched the sprockettes with us.
It all seems so simple. It is. We can all enjoy every moment of life like he seemed to do. So simple, yet so hard to find... a person who holds no judgement, loves life, who can just jump into your life for a moment or a day or a weekend, with no expectation ... just pure love.
For the benefit of all beings, I will joyfully ride today, holding your essence in my heart.

how sweet it is....

I seriously need to document my life more often. I will try to describe the most recent random encounter.

I was innocently laying on the sidewalk in the front of the house, soaking up the warmth. Letting go of the ideas passerbys may have. 'How weird, why is that girl laying on the ground, she is so weird'. It felt too nice to care too much about what people could be thinking.
A car pulls up, running over the curb a little...with the tunes 'red red wine' pouring out of the window. The man runs out jokingly yelling 'is she ok, does she need cpr?' He ran all the way over to me and does a re enactment of a chest push, and runs away congratulating himself for saving me. I am laughing at the absurdity.

A few minutes later he comes back and asks me what I am doing living in this house. Why am I letting the garden die. When am I going to get back on track. We have a short erradic bunch of conversations. He gives his advice, yet when I ask for clarification it is not given. He is a drug addict he divulges, so his money goes to that. All of his insights make 100% sense except for when he tells me to do drugs...for the benefit of my child. I tell him that I dont even take tylenol anymore and never have done other drugs. I would have liked more of an explanation on that advice. I am not convinced. His answer was something about me being stronger than everyone..so I can show them...
In the 5 minute interaction (if that) he told me that Ama will be bigger than I can even imagine in this world. She takes on the role of protective mother. I need to get back on track. I need to be doing more. I need to be there for Ama no matter what. I need to do it all for her. Nothing is about me.
-oh that is so frustrating to hear sometimes, with my need for freedom!
The only thing he was off about was drafting. He said 'you need to get back into drafting'. I have never really been into drawing architecture.
Ama rolled by on her bike and said 'do you know him?' He said something about how do we get to know people if we dont start talking. She said something back and he said, oh shut up. I warned him not get her started cause she will fight right back.

As quickly as he came, he got into his mercedes and rolled off into the distance....'how sweet it is to be in love with you'

universe seems more trustworthy in Eugene

I feel like I need to write but Im not sure what to write about. I am back in Eugene, it seems like a good place to rest and go with the flow. Ama is with her other grandma, so I got a few days off. It is nice experiencing Eugene however I want. It is nice to get a full, uninterrupted, night of sleep. I keep waking up at 5am, feeling like I could get out of bed for the day...but...I could also go back to sleep.
Maybe its time for a grateful post. I was flooded with gratefulness the other day, so here is a list...
I am grateful for...
a place to sleep in eugene, my car, my ability to crochet, helping Robin with his jewelry booth, discussing life with Mike, a Koskay hug, Samba JA, cupcakes, email responses, phone calls, upcoming Duniway interview, mochas, my bike Gertie, Anastasia, new pink bloomers, icosa huts, freedom, building my tribe, the game of Life, visitors, safe travels, honest reflections, real conversations, being asked questions, cds from Noriah, not living near the whiteaker block party, new friends, old friends, Ama, freeboxes, and learning.
I am ready to go read my book now.

a response about "opposition"

"thank you for caring. i would like to be honest in my posts, although some people may think i have issues. I think everyone has issues..they just hide it. I dont want to worry people too much , so I dont always write the negative issues publicly. I honestly think that most mothers find it to be excruciating , they are just too scared to admit it. its not natural to be so secluded in these little box houses. no matter how much other mothers claim they love it..they have bad days too. i wish more people would be more honest. but i guess all i can do is start being more open with my honesty. I think I will copy this on to my blog :)
and yes , an LV post might be nice to do. as i have written before, I am not motivated to write much these days though.
I just needed to get away..and run into the people i ran into...make those unexpected connections. I got some useful feedback from friends and strangers. mostly from strangers believe it or not!"

cotton candy skies

I just got back from a meditation with monks that I was able to attend just a few blocks away from my house. It was a lovely walk back after sitting in a crowded, hot room with no A/C. I didnt even learn anything mind blowing this time...but anyway...the walk home was nice. The sun was down, it cooled off and the whole sky had patches of pink in it. I could have made a youtube video and been like the "double rainbow guy". Darn, I missed my chance at stardom....I could have been 'cotton candy sky girl'. Silly.
On the walk home I was also reminiscing about a bike ride i had yesterday. It was so cute. I was riding home with Ama after her swim lesson and I had this total feeling of neighborhood living. We rode down 13th which is like our little main street and so many things were going on....
-one shop owner was checking on the people next door
-love cup coffee shop had a bucket of coffee grounds that the owner said I could have so I put it in my bike bucket
-Ama stopped to say hi to Eric, the bike shop owner
-I daydreamed of the 1200$ space for lease next door
-Ama daydreamed of the homemade popsicles at the cravin raven

I almost started singing "who are the people in your neighborhood?"
I'm glad that we know a few!

opposition

Is it because she is a gemini and I am sagittarius? They are opposites on the astrology wheel. Sometimes, most times, it seems like our wants and needs are in direct opposition of each other. I want quiet, she wants loud. I want to hike, she wants to sit. I want to be alone, she doesnt. I cant help but think she does this on purpose! I am tired. I dont want to be a mom anymore. I just want to sleep, eat, read, hike...whatever..on my own schedule!
And she still needs me.
I cant go live on a permaculture farm for a month cause she still needs me. I cant work at a buddhist retreat center, she needs me.
I feel trapped.
trapped in a stay at home mom lifestyle...isolated.
I can do so much more with my life...I think.
I cant stand this typical american lifestlye anymore. I dont know how other moms do it. They must really enjoy it. But it makes me want to claw my eyeballs out and run to the hills. If I wanted to feel this isolated, I would live in a little hut in the forest and forage for food.
but...i dont want to be isolated
i want community
i want to live in a village or tribe of almost any kind
eco village, native american tribe, african tribe, retreat center, amish village.
something different
something meaningful
I can do more than just be a mom
although i am hardly doing that very well, so maybe not.