opposition

Is it because she is a gemini and I am sagittarius? They are opposites on the astrology wheel. Sometimes, most times, it seems like our wants and needs are in direct opposition of each other. I want quiet, she wants loud. I want to hike, she wants to sit. I want to be alone, she doesnt. I cant help but think she does this on purpose! I am tired. I dont want to be a mom anymore. I just want to sleep, eat, read, hike...whatever..on my own schedule!
And she still needs me.
I cant go live on a permaculture farm for a month cause she still needs me. I cant work at a buddhist retreat center, she needs me.
I feel trapped.
trapped in a stay at home mom lifestyle...isolated.
I can do so much more with my life...I think.
I cant stand this typical american lifestlye anymore. I dont know how other moms do it. They must really enjoy it. But it makes me want to claw my eyeballs out and run to the hills. If I wanted to feel this isolated, I would live in a little hut in the forest and forage for food.
but...i dont want to be isolated
i want community
i want to live in a village or tribe of almost any kind
eco village, native american tribe, african tribe, retreat center, amish village.
something different
something meaningful
I can do more than just be a mom
although i am hardly doing that very well, so maybe not.

today

it might finally stop raining for a bit
i might finally get on my bike again, its only been...what, a week? seems like forever
I finished a book called 'in buddhas kitchen'...it reminds me of how much I want to be a cook in a retreat center.
I worked on my jar net project, at least for a few minutes
I met up with a new person for some productive conversation
I took my laptop to a cafe to check emails
I helped Ama fill up balloons
the garden is growing
there are 5 things I want to do tonight
I am just about to eat lunch
listening to kids play outside

synchronizing in community

A last minute decision
taking a chance
asking for what I need (prefer)
braveness in talking to new people
saying yes to a request

I went to a meeting last night about dealing with despair in this time of crisis. It was a combining of the heart and mind. well...it turned out to be mostly a meeting of the minds, but thats ok. Its difficult to open up to such deep feelings of despair in front of 50 people you dont know. But we did discuss the feelings and struggles we are having in a few different ways. we did diads, whole group and a fishbowl styles of discussions. The meeting was facilitated by the transition town PDX group- they are great!
After the swirling discussions happened afterword, I asked some people to walk with me to the car. Then everything started lining up perfectly....Aaron was sick and not prepared to ride his bike in the sudden rain, Dan didnt prefer to help Aaron now that it was raining...I have bike racks...so I helped them. Dan says hey its 1030..wonder if hotlips has any leftovers...2 seconds later, heres hotlips, lets find out! free pizza! building community! new connections! yay!

buddha bear

A fully weird weekend started off Friday night after Buddha church, when I went to see Michael Meade speak.
"Traditionally, it has been the function of myth to wrap people in stories that make intuitive sense of the world and point to meaningful ways of being part of it. Yet, under the harsh rule of materialism and the dull spell of literalism myth becomes dismissed as fantasy, as something out of touch with reality. Yet in the inner recesses of the human soul, where the facts of life mingle with the mysteries of eternity, myth means "emergent truth." "

He spoke on the word 'weird' but I cant find a quote online, and of course I couldnt memorize what he said. It was a great lecture...and I saw some friends and chatted afterwords.
Saturday was the maypole festival. I always love weaving the maypole!
Then the family went to a craft fair, where we got to research our competitors and check out how others set up booths to sell their hand made items.
I got to try out a clay wheel and make my first clay bowl! A dream come true.
Then we went on a cartopia extravaganza. We were so 'alt' ... trying out the whiffies fried pies, curds and gravy, truffle pizza and a catfish po boy from the food carts on Hawthorne.
talk about alt...that guy on the flourescent bike was totally a 'wedding singer alt bro'.
Today Ama wanted to go to Buddha kids church. We both learned about avoiding bad habits. Then she wanted to go busk at the Saturday Market (that is now on Sundays too)

the sundog

Maybe I dont look up at the afternoon sun enough. Maybe sundogs are more common than I thought. I saw a very light one in phx. It mildly looked like there were 3 suns out, with a little rainbow edge. I also saw my first full sundog here the other day. It was also very light. It was hard to see the full rainbow circle around the sun, but it was there.
That day I went on a bike ride along the river by oaks park. I saw some herons and cranes and eagles.
I had some instant 5 minute best friends join me...we all watched the roller derby girls practice.
I saw some kids selling lemonade and dog biscuits.
I saw some treehouses.
I got cold riding in a t shirt , so I came home.

a picture of a sundog..
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Fargo_Sundogs_2_18_09.jpg

a visit sw of weird

Well, I made my trip to Phoenix as weird as it could be. To sum it up, it seems like we found all the nooks and crannies in the city that actually felt like we were in the middle of nowhere. And there was also a trip to the middle of nowhere with the help of my rental car. It's really the only way I can handle being there...surrounding myself with the parts I love about Phx.
cool days
in the desert
granny granpa
bikes buses and lightrails
fair trade cafe
pdc people
talent show
jay
hardy house- go veg!
gardens
foraging mulberries and quats and wolfberries
liya
sleep
rest
relaxing
irish nut .....mocha
hot springs
hidden valley
papago
evening bike rides
argyle socks
converse

it was a freak broom accident

a gaping cut on my face
covered with cayenne pepper
wincing from stinging
fear trembling
blood finally done streaming

ama comes in from playing and quickly notices
holding back tears
offers to cook dinner
and lunch
runs to the kitchen and starts whipping something up

I trust fully that she is fine
sounds like she's making chocolate milk?
no, cookies... its gotta be cookies
in a cup?
will she put too much baking powder?
not enough flour?
she is fine
totally fine
I will just read my book and relax

mmmmmmmm cookies and tortilla pizza
flour everywhere
hugs and kisses
but she cant look at my face

what does it mean?
i want to know
I am usually protected somehow
I dont invite accidents into my life
and this
on my face
it must mean something