"thank you for caring. i would like to be honest in my posts, although some people may think i have issues. I think everyone has issues..they just hide it. I dont want to worry people too much , so I dont always write the negative issues publicly. I honestly think that most mothers find it to be excruciating , they are just too scared to admit it. its not natural to be so secluded in these little box houses. no matter how much other mothers claim they love it..they have bad days too. i wish more people would be more honest. but i guess all i can do is start being more open with my honesty. I think I will copy this on to my blog :)
and yes , an LV post might be nice to do. as i have written before, I am not motivated to write much these days though.
I just needed to get away..and run into the people i ran into...make those unexpected connections. I got some useful feedback from friends and strangers. mostly from strangers believe it or not!"
Monday, July 26, 2010
Friday, July 9, 2010
cotton candy skies
I just got back from a meditation with monks that I was able to attend just a few blocks away from my house. It was a lovely walk back after sitting in a crowded, hot room with no A/C. I didnt even learn anything mind blowing this time...but anyway...the walk home was nice. The sun was down, it cooled off and the whole sky had patches of pink in it. I could have made a youtube video and been like the "double rainbow guy". Darn, I missed my chance at stardom....I could have been 'cotton candy sky girl'. Silly.
On the walk home I was also reminiscing about a bike ride i had yesterday. It was so cute. I was riding home with Ama after her swim lesson and I had this total feeling of neighborhood living. We rode down 13th which is like our little main street and so many things were going on....
-one shop owner was checking on the people next door
-love cup coffee shop had a bucket of coffee grounds that the owner said I could have so I put it in my bike bucket
-Ama stopped to say hi to Eric, the bike shop owner
-I daydreamed of the 1200$ space for lease next door
-Ama daydreamed of the homemade popsicles at the cravin raven
I almost started singing "who are the people in your neighborhood?"
I'm glad that we know a few!
On the walk home I was also reminiscing about a bike ride i had yesterday. It was so cute. I was riding home with Ama after her swim lesson and I had this total feeling of neighborhood living. We rode down 13th which is like our little main street and so many things were going on....
-one shop owner was checking on the people next door
-love cup coffee shop had a bucket of coffee grounds that the owner said I could have so I put it in my bike bucket
-Ama stopped to say hi to Eric, the bike shop owner
-I daydreamed of the 1200$ space for lease next door
-Ama daydreamed of the homemade popsicles at the cravin raven
I almost started singing "who are the people in your neighborhood?"
I'm glad that we know a few!
Monday, June 21, 2010
opposition
Is it because she is a gemini and I am sagittarius? They are opposites on the astrology wheel. Sometimes, most times, it seems like our wants and needs are in direct opposition of each other. I want quiet, she wants loud. I want to hike, she wants to sit. I want to be alone, she doesnt. I cant help but think she does this on purpose! I am tired. I dont want to be a mom anymore. I just want to sleep, eat, read, hike...whatever..on my own schedule!
And she still needs me.
I cant go live on a permaculture farm for a month cause she still needs me. I cant work at a buddhist retreat center, she needs me.
I feel trapped.
trapped in a stay at home mom lifestyle...isolated.
I can do so much more with my life...I think.
I cant stand this typical american lifestlye anymore. I dont know how other moms do it. They must really enjoy it. But it makes me want to claw my eyeballs out and run to the hills. If I wanted to feel this isolated, I would live in a little hut in the forest and forage for food.
but...i dont want to be isolated
i want community
i want to live in a village or tribe of almost any kind
eco village, native american tribe, african tribe, retreat center, amish village.
something different
something meaningful
I can do more than just be a mom
although i am hardly doing that very well, so maybe not.
And she still needs me.
I cant go live on a permaculture farm for a month cause she still needs me. I cant work at a buddhist retreat center, she needs me.
I feel trapped.
trapped in a stay at home mom lifestyle...isolated.
I can do so much more with my life...I think.
I cant stand this typical american lifestlye anymore. I dont know how other moms do it. They must really enjoy it. But it makes me want to claw my eyeballs out and run to the hills. If I wanted to feel this isolated, I would live in a little hut in the forest and forage for food.
but...i dont want to be isolated
i want community
i want to live in a village or tribe of almost any kind
eco village, native american tribe, african tribe, retreat center, amish village.
something different
something meaningful
I can do more than just be a mom
although i am hardly doing that very well, so maybe not.
Friday, June 11, 2010
today
it might finally stop raining for a bit
i might finally get on my bike again, its only been...what, a week? seems like forever
I finished a book called 'in buddhas kitchen'...it reminds me of how much I want to be a cook in a retreat center.
I worked on my jar net project, at least for a few minutes
I met up with a new person for some productive conversation
I took my laptop to a cafe to check emails
I helped Ama fill up balloons
the garden is growing
there are 5 things I want to do tonight
I am just about to eat lunch
listening to kids play outside
i might finally get on my bike again, its only been...what, a week? seems like forever
I finished a book called 'in buddhas kitchen'...it reminds me of how much I want to be a cook in a retreat center.
I worked on my jar net project, at least for a few minutes
I met up with a new person for some productive conversation
I took my laptop to a cafe to check emails
I helped Ama fill up balloons
the garden is growing
there are 5 things I want to do tonight
I am just about to eat lunch
listening to kids play outside
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
synchronizing in community
A last minute decision
taking a chance
asking for what I need (prefer)
braveness in talking to new people
saying yes to a request
I went to a meeting last night about dealing with despair in this time of crisis. It was a combining of the heart and mind. well...it turned out to be mostly a meeting of the minds, but thats ok. Its difficult to open up to such deep feelings of despair in front of 50 people you dont know. But we did discuss the feelings and struggles we are having in a few different ways. we did diads, whole group and a fishbowl styles of discussions. The meeting was facilitated by the transition town PDX group- they are great!
After the swirling discussions happened afterword, I asked some people to walk with me to the car. Then everything started lining up perfectly....Aaron was sick and not prepared to ride his bike in the sudden rain, Dan didnt prefer to help Aaron now that it was raining...I have bike racks...so I helped them. Dan says hey its 1030..wonder if hotlips has any leftovers...2 seconds later, heres hotlips, lets find out! free pizza! building community! new connections! yay!
taking a chance
asking for what I need (prefer)
braveness in talking to new people
saying yes to a request
I went to a meeting last night about dealing with despair in this time of crisis. It was a combining of the heart and mind. well...it turned out to be mostly a meeting of the minds, but thats ok. Its difficult to open up to such deep feelings of despair in front of 50 people you dont know. But we did discuss the feelings and struggles we are having in a few different ways. we did diads, whole group and a fishbowl styles of discussions. The meeting was facilitated by the transition town PDX group- they are great!
After the swirling discussions happened afterword, I asked some people to walk with me to the car. Then everything started lining up perfectly....Aaron was sick and not prepared to ride his bike in the sudden rain, Dan didnt prefer to help Aaron now that it was raining...I have bike racks...so I helped them. Dan says hey its 1030..wonder if hotlips has any leftovers...2 seconds later, heres hotlips, lets find out! free pizza! building community! new connections! yay!
Sunday, May 2, 2010
buddha bear
A fully weird weekend started off Friday night after Buddha church, when I went to see Michael Meade speak.
"Traditionally, it has been the function of myth to wrap people in stories that make intuitive sense of the world and point to meaningful ways of being part of it. Yet, under the harsh rule of materialism and the dull spell of literalism myth becomes dismissed as fantasy, as something out of touch with reality. Yet in the inner recesses of the human soul, where the facts of life mingle with the mysteries of eternity, myth means "emergent truth." "
He spoke on the word 'weird' but I cant find a quote online, and of course I couldnt memorize what he said. It was a great lecture...and I saw some friends and chatted afterwords.
Saturday was the maypole festival. I always love weaving the maypole!
Then the family went to a craft fair, where we got to research our competitors and check out how others set up booths to sell their hand made items.
I got to try out a clay wheel and make my first clay bowl! A dream come true.
Then we went on a cartopia extravaganza. We were so 'alt' ... trying out the whiffies fried pies, curds and gravy, truffle pizza and a catfish po boy from the food carts on Hawthorne.
talk about alt...that guy on the flourescent bike was totally a 'wedding singer alt bro'.
Today Ama wanted to go to Buddha kids church. We both learned about avoiding bad habits. Then she wanted to go busk at the Saturday Market (that is now on Sundays too)
"Traditionally, it has been the function of myth to wrap people in stories that make intuitive sense of the world and point to meaningful ways of being part of it. Yet, under the harsh rule of materialism and the dull spell of literalism myth becomes dismissed as fantasy, as something out of touch with reality. Yet in the inner recesses of the human soul, where the facts of life mingle with the mysteries of eternity, myth means "emergent truth." "
He spoke on the word 'weird' but I cant find a quote online, and of course I couldnt memorize what he said. It was a great lecture...and I saw some friends and chatted afterwords.
Saturday was the maypole festival. I always love weaving the maypole!
Then the family went to a craft fair, where we got to research our competitors and check out how others set up booths to sell their hand made items.
I got to try out a clay wheel and make my first clay bowl! A dream come true.
Then we went on a cartopia extravaganza. We were so 'alt' ... trying out the whiffies fried pies, curds and gravy, truffle pizza and a catfish po boy from the food carts on Hawthorne.
talk about alt...that guy on the flourescent bike was totally a 'wedding singer alt bro'.
Today Ama wanted to go to Buddha kids church. We both learned about avoiding bad habits. Then she wanted to go busk at the Saturday Market (that is now on Sundays too)
Friday, April 30, 2010
the sundog
Maybe I dont look up at the afternoon sun enough. Maybe sundogs are more common than I thought. I saw a very light one in phx. It mildly looked like there were 3 suns out, with a little rainbow edge. I also saw my first full sundog here the other day. It was also very light. It was hard to see the full rainbow circle around the sun, but it was there.
That day I went on a bike ride along the river by oaks park. I saw some herons and cranes and eagles.
I had some instant 5 minute best friends join me...we all watched the roller derby girls practice.
I saw some kids selling lemonade and dog biscuits.
I saw some treehouses.
I got cold riding in a t shirt , so I came home.
a picture of a sundog..
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Fargo_Sundogs_2_18_09.jpg
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