Coming out of the closet

9-2-2013 Some of you may already know, or at least suspect that there is something different about me . I have a secret. I go to church! About a year ago a friend called me a closet Christian and I laughed. He was an ex Christian and I was an ex Buddhist (or soon to be) at the time. Up until a few weeks ago, I considered coming out as a closet Christian, hesitantly. I even looked up the term and found this http://www.salon.com/2009/12/21/closet_christian/ She says, "Because in my circle, nothing is more embarrassing than being religious." I can SO relate to that. And then more reading and learning and experiencing happened and I'm not convinced I can call myself that either. But more on that another time. Over the last year, I have found myself walking on the most extreme bridge between two worlds that I've ever been on. My loving, ecstatic dance, ecovillage, activist, hippie friends on one side, my bible reading, church going, God loving friends on the other. There is so much goodness and truth on either side, why cant one side see the truth in the other? One side seems more outwardly judgmental and close minded and the other seems more unaware or blind (i'm not saying which is which). I am an observer, truth seeker, bridge walker, open hearted person who has been searching for two things for as long as I can remember: spirituality and community

community still in progress

Seven months since I have posted. I have no idea how it's been so long and yet I feel like I have lived 2 lifetimes* since then, or maybe 3. I am building community in a way I never really thought I would... by living alone (with Ama). First of all I never thought I could afford my own 2 bedroom place on my extremely low income. Second, I have never lived alone and never thought I'd want to. ( I know right now some people are thinking "you need to embrace being alone and blah blah blah". but, to know me is to know that I embraced that probably by the time I was 6 years old and my work in this life is to embrace not being alone.) After many "failed" attempts at living with people, I miraculously found this place that I could almost afford. And we love it! At first we called it 'Big Poppa' since its next to the papas pizza dumpster. Then it started to be referred to as the town square of our community. My fear of isolation proved untrue as I made it known that I love drop in visits. Some days it's a revolving door with 1 visitor after another. I've had impromptu HON triads and diads, and I've cooked dinners for more people than I have chairs for. Sleepovers, movie nights, game nights and much laughter are the norm over here

. I am letting more people into my world, sometimes with the mess and all. I am opening my heart how I always hoped I would. I have a 'sisterwife', a 'life partner' and a house husband or 2 (which just to clarify are my best friends, my inner circle who really get to see the realest me I can show)

ODD,ADD,OCD

Sometimes I wonder... if I could just say... "oh, she's autistic"
then maybe I (and she) will get some compassion
some support
a hug
instead of that glare
the glare of negative feelings because Ama has done something wrong in their eyes
I'm so tired
I want support
she wants support
she needs guidance and not just from me

If you are approaching me because she has... yelled at you, grabbed your feet, climbed on your shoulders, ran away, punched your crotch, grabbed your purse, ignored you,threw toast at you....
please consider...
has she had a horrible day?
have I heard 5 complaints already?
have I gotten more than a few hours of sleep?
has she?
has she eaten a home cooked meal this week, or mostly trader joes sushi and peanut butter?
does she have ODD , ADD or some other problem?
and yes, I do want to help resolve these things
but do you think I want you to come tell me how disagreeable and misbehaving she is?
I dont want to be judged
I want to be supported in finding a resolution
tell her how you feel when she does these things
please be patient and treat her like a person
remember you might have to interact with her for 5 minutes, I have her 24 hours a day
She is a great girl, who has unresolved trauma around groups of people. She is much different one on one.
If you consistently set your boundaries kindly, she will respect you and trust you.
she may or may not be diagnosable
i just know she has high needs and I cant do it all myself
thankyou
and please remember this for any child you encounter who seems unruly or throwing tantrums

keep calm and be grateful

many lovely dates
a new cranberries cd is coming out next week
a new Jem cd coming out soon?
many wonderful close connections
difficult conversations
honest reflections
Heart of Now
snuggles
just dance Wii game at Yogurt Extreme
help with Ama
a new internship/job
patient friends
being accepted at ecstatic dance, even if I dont dance
my flower photos
great roommates
plenty of food
friends who give me chocolate, hugs, kisses, massages, love and compost
winning werewolf
looking glass
ama's school
thank you thank you thank you!

Heart of Now

Last weekend I assisted at the Heart of Now weekend workshop. I havent been able to attend the full weekend in a long time. I am so glad I was able to finally. Coincidentally (or maybe not) it was also the most meaningful I have had in a long time. I was having so many realisations, I had to start writing them down. My beautiful friend Kim, led me into exploring what I am scared of. I wrote down a whole page of ideas I can work through so they arent holding me back anymore. I wrote down the contradictions to those ideas... so I can start letting go of them. I heard other peoples stories that helped me make connections to my own life. I opened up. I talked to people. I started conversations even! I got feedback. i got close. I got hugs. I held hands. I listened. I played werewolf!
I am finally feeling the community aspect of Heart of Now! I am so glad to be living here and opening up to my community :)

no, I dont have pride...

Have you ever turned your ipod onto 'shuffle' and the songs miraculously tell the story of your life , or at least the story of your current life...
My playlist today .
Dido - Dont think of me
Jonny Z - no senor
ditty bops - there's a girl
pink - just like a pill
portishead - wanderingstar
corrine bailey rae - trouble sleeping
lenka - anything I'm not
beastie boys - brass monkey
metallica - the call of ktulu
milli vanilli - i'm gonna miss you
corinne bailey rae - choux pastry heart
pearl jam - garden
skee lo - i wish
the donnas - have you no pride
sybil - dont make me over
alanis morrisette - hand in my pocket

ok, well maybe its not quite my current life story, but its pretty close, and its just fun to share my music mix of the day.
and here are the lyrics to
"Have you no pride"

Shoe gazers in blazers
Introduce you to razors, so that
The Wilson twins- they can see you
In all your glory, in all your glory

[Chorus:]
Don't you care what all the people say
You don't care you're gonna do it any way
All eyes are on you and they're burning holes till
There's no one left inside
Have you no pride

How many pairs do you own
How many patches have you
sewn on your sleeve
Now don't you dare mend the holes
They tell your story yeah tell your story
(sell your story)

[Chorus]

What do you write in that journal
Some kind of infernal poetry
So that I'll offer my help
But don't you worry, don't you worry

[Chorus]

Let's take a walk through the crowd
Let's take a walk through the crowd

holding the vision

They see something in me that I sometimes forget that I have. They see my good-ness. That must be why they love me... my crew, tribe, lovies, community. They have seen, heard and share, my intentions, so when I forget they can remind me.
*being real with people, being in joy with people, being a supportive tribe, living-working-playing together...
I find myself being spiraled into this vortex of community within community. Intermingling with ecovillages, families, tribes, poets, dancers, and gardeners in Eugene; getting more immersed in many circles of friends; creating even more trust and openness with even more people who have a similar vision; people who have similar goals and ideals and are working towards making it happen.
Outside of my happy little vortex, I see lots of craziness. I am peeping out, knowing that if I stick my head out too far, I could get swooped into the crazy vortex at any moment.
but I have an idea
If we keep picturing that ideal life in our heads, and keep working towards it, we dont have to get on the crazy drama train. Maybe we could get on the crazy fun exciting train sometimes.
We can try an experiment. If there is a disagreement in a community, lets just stop arguing and start drawing your vision, or everyone go outside and start sledgehammering the asphalt, paint that room, dig that garden, or sing....cause I dont think fighting is in anyones vision.