on hold

Sometimes it seems like I am living the wrong life. Or like my life is on hold. Maybe I will get to do all the things I want to do, but for some reason it seems unlikely that I can do what I want to do. It is possible I just need to be patient and work on getting to where I want to be. Its possible. Maybe it's weird that I feel this way. I have done alot of cool things. It just seems like Ama is at an age that she needs to have more stability and I actually want that too, but I also want to travel. I dont see a way to get both of our needs met with the resources I have right now. That frustrates me and then I feel stuck. I want to be able to have a seasonal job, or work a month in an ashram, then work a month on a farm, then work a month in Ireland... or whatever.
I also think I may have made some mistakes. I used to make 8times what I make now. I am extemely low income and dont really see myself getting out of that. I cant travel with a child, with no income. I cant just be a traveling gypsy in a covered wagon in this day and age... although that is something else I would really like to do as well.
I feel stuck in the middle.

conclusion

On January 28th, 2011, I came to a conclusion. After years of extensive research, observation, and reading , I decided that this concept of loving yourself will make others like you, is simply not true. I believed the theories out there. It's a great concept in an ideal world... a world where everything is purple and pink with flowers and unicorns and frolicking under rainbows. Sure , if I decide to see the world through these rainbow colored glasses, then it might make it true in my own little world. If I imagine everyone loves me, then in my head it is true.
I dont see that happening in reality though until everyone, or lets say over half of everyone, puts on the same peace, love and rainbow glasses too.
In reality, there are many people wearing poop colored glasses (I am borrowing this term from Kaseja at Heart of Now).
Believing in these theories helped me learn to love myself more, and put me on this path and its great. I have faith that the more we all concentrate on world peace, it will happen. My outlook is positive, and, realistic.
I have experimented with loving myself in order to attract loving people. Maybe, I was around the wrong people in the first place? , but my lack of social skills is what I see turning people off. No matter how loving the person isand no matter how much I love myself, if I dont do the right small talk, they move on in most cases.
On the other end, I have been in horrible moods, not liking my life and good things have happened to me.
Until we are all peaceful Buddha like people, we will be attracted to the good conversationalists, who entertain us or know how to compliment us, and not attracted to those who seem different, wrong or bad.
We all have golden hearts with pure loving intentions when you take all the other crap away.

creeks, flowers and lattes

I am equally content with so many things, it seems impossible to make a decision. I really love where I am living right now. I love being in a neighborhood. I love sitting at my desk, looking out the window and seeing the guy who built a canoe attached to his bike, walk by. I wonder where his boat/bike is. I love riding my bike down the street and recognizing a FB friend who I have not yet met in person. I love walking around the corner to get a 2$ latte. In the spring I will love it even more when my walk to the creek includes being showered by pink petals from the trees.
And... I really love living in nature. I loved living in a little cabin in the woods. I loved walking down to the swimming hole to sit and breathe. I loved cooking for my community mates. I loved the daily social opportunities living with 15-80 other people in the forest.
Ideally I would find the perfect blend of these 2. I want to find an acre, in the city and invite my friends to live with me. I think it would be an ideal way to live a permaculture life. I want 1 main, big, community house... and then a lovely outdoor house with a kitchen and shower and composting toilet... and small living areas scattered around like huts, tee pees, tents, cobs, strawbales, treehouses and containers....
I want to be by a creek and/or open space. We will have fruit trees, berries, grapes, and other foods growing.
We will live very simply, and still be able to walk down the street and get a latte :)

current events

I get most of my news from my clients. I was asked yesterday "do you keep up with ANY current events?" I'm not really sure how to answer that. My current events involve getting Ama to school, or who's bathroom did I clean today, or how many piles of leaves did I rake, or does my friend need emotional support, or when is Ama having a playdate... etc.
I dont have a tv. I dont get the paper. I dont browse the internet news.
I sometimes listen to NPR. I read a facebook post here or there. I listen to my friends opinions.
'Did you hear what that guy said, who was in Iraq, but left and did that thing last year?'
umm, no
that is 1 reason why I dont keep up with current events... thats how I would sound if I tried talking about it. That is pretty much what my client asked me. And... is it a current event if it was last year?
I can hardly keep up with my current events, I cant keep up with every politician, celebrity, or anything else.
Is that bad?
I dont think so. I get a little embarrased. People somehow then assume I am dumb and thats annoying. Or they assume I am not interested. I am. I can listen to people and their opinions all day. But there are very few things I have strong opinions on, so asking me my opinion... might sound something like
'oh, uuuh , yeah, that guy did that, ok. I guess that worked for him. I hope he is happy with that choice'

happiness is...

...listening to 2 little girls singing this at a birthday party talent show today






and then dedicating the happiness and joy in that room to all beings!

elders

http://communities.ic.org/articles/1413/Elderhood_In_and_Out_of_Community

My friend and former community-mate wrote this article for communities magazine. I have been thinking about these issues alot lately. Obviously I thought about how children and elders can be respected in community when I lived at Lost Valley ( the community Dianne founded and wrote about in the article). Now, that I work with elders I see the need for community even more. I get paid to work with elders because in most cases, they have no one else to help them. It is very sad. I love helping people, I love my job... and sometimes I feel guilty accepting their gratitude, I cant help but think.... yeah, but I am getting paid to be here. I have to get paid, that is just my situation right now unfortunately.

These thoughts are what sparked one of my last blogs about isolation. I have left a few jobs crying because the elders I work with are not respected members of community..
A lady lost her husband 10 years ago and is still sad and lonely filling her time with t.v.
A man lost his wife a year ago and has no idea how to cook.
A lady was sent to live in a depressing nursing home because she has no one else to care for her or even sit and chat with her.

Its time to build lovely communities that respect everyone's goodness.

sidenote-
this picture was taken at Lost Valley
some of you may not know that we were told to leave. one of the reasons was that Ama was a liability because she climbs trees

waking up

I just wanted to write a quick note before work. I am sitting here with my marshmallow topped mocha, reading emails, checking my horoscope, sending out some facebook love...
Thank you to my friends who have sent some very useful advice and words of encouragement. I like getting feedback from others on how I can improve.
I am also excited. My horoscope yesterday said that I need to be around people who can help me save the world 1 person at a time. That sounds perfect. That sounds even better than my older saying that was saving the world one jar at a time (my other blog) because ultimately it does come down to saving each person.
No
I dont mean I am trying to "save" people. I mean it in an activist type of way. Or in a way of helping people find joy,and happiness... helping people 'wake up' to what is happening in the world and what is happening with themselves. Or helping 1 parent at a time, so they can help one child at a time.
Todays horoscope was about how busy my life will be getting. that also sounds about right. I have been getting more proactive and effective with scheduling. I have a calendar right here next to me even! I have something going on for the next week straight... multiple things in each day. I am having dinners, going to dances, lunches, playdates and maybe even a concert.
I could write so much more on these topics ... but for now I need to go to work :)