keep calm and be grateful

many lovely dates
a new cranberries cd is coming out next week
a new Jem cd coming out soon?
many wonderful close connections
difficult conversations
honest reflections
Heart of Now
snuggles
just dance Wii game at Yogurt Extreme
help with Ama
a new internship/job
patient friends
being accepted at ecstatic dance, even if I dont dance
my flower photos
great roommates
plenty of food
friends who give me chocolate, hugs, kisses, massages, love and compost
winning werewolf
looking glass
ama's school
thank you thank you thank you!

Heart of Now

Last weekend I assisted at the Heart of Now weekend workshop. I havent been able to attend the full weekend in a long time. I am so glad I was able to finally. Coincidentally (or maybe not) it was also the most meaningful I have had in a long time. I was having so many realisations, I had to start writing them down. My beautiful friend Kim, led me into exploring what I am scared of. I wrote down a whole page of ideas I can work through so they arent holding me back anymore. I wrote down the contradictions to those ideas... so I can start letting go of them. I heard other peoples stories that helped me make connections to my own life. I opened up. I talked to people. I started conversations even! I got feedback. i got close. I got hugs. I held hands. I listened. I played werewolf!
I am finally feeling the community aspect of Heart of Now! I am so glad to be living here and opening up to my community :)

no, I dont have pride...

Have you ever turned your ipod onto 'shuffle' and the songs miraculously tell the story of your life , or at least the story of your current life...
My playlist today .
Dido - Dont think of me
Jonny Z - no senor
ditty bops - there's a girl
pink - just like a pill
portishead - wanderingstar
corrine bailey rae - trouble sleeping
lenka - anything I'm not
beastie boys - brass monkey
metallica - the call of ktulu
milli vanilli - i'm gonna miss you
corinne bailey rae - choux pastry heart
pearl jam - garden
skee lo - i wish
the donnas - have you no pride
sybil - dont make me over
alanis morrisette - hand in my pocket

ok, well maybe its not quite my current life story, but its pretty close, and its just fun to share my music mix of the day.
and here are the lyrics to
"Have you no pride"

Shoe gazers in blazers
Introduce you to razors, so that
The Wilson twins- they can see you
In all your glory, in all your glory

[Chorus:]
Don't you care what all the people say
You don't care you're gonna do it any way
All eyes are on you and they're burning holes till
There's no one left inside
Have you no pride

How many pairs do you own
How many patches have you
sewn on your sleeve
Now don't you dare mend the holes
They tell your story yeah tell your story
(sell your story)

[Chorus]

What do you write in that journal
Some kind of infernal poetry
So that I'll offer my help
But don't you worry, don't you worry

[Chorus]

Let's take a walk through the crowd
Let's take a walk through the crowd

holding the vision

They see something in me that I sometimes forget that I have. They see my good-ness. That must be why they love me... my crew, tribe, lovies, community. They have seen, heard and share, my intentions, so when I forget they can remind me.
*being real with people, being in joy with people, being a supportive tribe, living-working-playing together...
I find myself being spiraled into this vortex of community within community. Intermingling with ecovillages, families, tribes, poets, dancers, and gardeners in Eugene; getting more immersed in many circles of friends; creating even more trust and openness with even more people who have a similar vision; people who have similar goals and ideals and are working towards making it happen.
Outside of my happy little vortex, I see lots of craziness. I am peeping out, knowing that if I stick my head out too far, I could get swooped into the crazy vortex at any moment.
but I have an idea
If we keep picturing that ideal life in our heads, and keep working towards it, we dont have to get on the crazy drama train. Maybe we could get on the crazy fun exciting train sometimes.
We can try an experiment. If there is a disagreement in a community, lets just stop arguing and start drawing your vision, or everyone go outside and start sledgehammering the asphalt, paint that room, dig that garden, or sing....cause I dont think fighting is in anyones vision.

joy

what brings me joy?

when I have theme songs running thru my head for different events or moments in life,
ruly mobs, (rather than unruly)
irises and daffodils ... and most flowers,
hugs,
Ama coming up with every possible way to wear my bellydancing scarf,
pink and purple,
rollerskating,
rollerskating parties with my friends,
good froth on a mocha,
snuggling,
taking silly pictures,
my cool new room,
slumber parties,
when people "get" me,
love,
hot springs,
being with people and not being expected to "do" anything
flashmobs,
watching people have fun,
planning what karaoke song I am going to sing, even if I dont actually sing,
harvesting, building, cleaning and cooking with people,
listening and being heard,
living IN town!
running into friends when I am out and about,
having a shared vision with people!

"occupy Lost Valley"

or
"I found myself at Lost valley".

A friend was staying at LV for a few days. A few of us thought it would be fun to go make dinner and eat out there with her. On weekends Lv usually doesnt have community meals, and sometimes the whole place just clears out. It was pretty dead while we were there, although I did meet a few new people and a little boy joined us for most of the night- which was a little weird... where were his parents?! I guess they were somewhere, trusting that he was safe, and thats ok with me.
It was fun connecting with my friends, establishing our new tribal family, in a 'neutral' setting, eating squash and butter mmmmmmm. It sounds like we are going to start building tiny structures soon. that is exciting. I cant wait to start helping with that!

suburban lifestyle

I dont remember if I already mentioned that I live in the suburbs. Sometimes it feels like a community, a superficial one, but still. There are tons of kids here for Ama to play with, people at least vaguely know who lives here, and I could probably borrow sugar from a neighbor if I needed to. It is so weird here though. It's like living on another planet. As one friend put it 'its so sterile.' If the lawn gets a quarter inch too high, it gets mowed. If one person decorates for Halloween, they all do. I am pretty certain I am the only one in the neighborhood renting a room. Other than my roommate, I am probably the only single mother on the block. There are no gardens. I accidentally guerrilla gardened some fava beans that got mowed today. Everyone is excited about the duck games... thats football.
I spend most of my days in town... at my mom's, at my friends', at tine house.
I get to come home to a nice, quiet, clean and warm house.