minor breakdown

I am freaking out. Birds are falling out of the sky, I am sitting here alone, I feel like a mess, I need connection, my kid seems possessed, I drive too far to work, I need to shave, I only want pizza-ice cream-and mochas, I have rent to pay, I need a career, I want to watch tv all day, I want to knit all day, I created a monster, and birds are falling out of the sky!
The birds are dying, the fish are dying... it reminds me of the squirrels around here in the fall... they were dying too- just like they died in mid nut hunt.
There is a group that believes that jesus comes back on May 21 2011. That is judgement day. So, guess what, if you are still around after that, you didnt get into heaven!
I almost have the capability to formulate my ideas about how this ties into the Buddhist perspective. Almost.
I should just meditate all day
maybe I can save myself from the earth hell they say will happen after 5-21-11
Why is it all 21's?
Why is the end of the world allegedly on my birthday?
12-21-12
Why does it seem like meditating wont help
Maybe this is too crazy to post?
oh well, I will just have to make a gratitude list tomorrow to make up for it

resolution ?

I guess its that time to claim I will do something different this year. Dont get me wrong, I know I will do things different. I know I will get better and better everyday, but will I really become a highly effective person this year? Am I already highly effective? I know I am highly efficient when I actually do things, sometimes.
There are so many things I could put on a list of resolutions. And now I can even put the number 1 American NYE resolution on there since it looks like I have gained a few pounds. The idea that keeps swirling around me in conversations is that I should pick 1 thing to focus on. 1 thing that would possibly cover most of the things on a list... like cultivate happiness, meditate, love, or support. They even suggest choosing 1 word to encompass it all.
maybe mine should be focus.
I have been focusing on 1 theme in the last few weeks, since burning what I want to let go of in the Solstice fire.
It still seems a little vague and wordy though.
It has to do with building my support network. I need to do some work on the wording and specifics. But this is still outside of myself so I want to use some of the resolutions that my teacher gave me at Buddha church... meditate every day.

maybe my word should be clarity
or
acceptance

Do I have to pick 1 word?

narcissism

I was called selfish recently. I didnt take it very well. Then this person proceeded to tell me this everyday in emails and decided to label me narcissistic. I welcome constructive feedback, and look inside to see if peoples reflections are true for me. At what point is feedback abusive though?
I can admit to having some ego that I could let go of. We all do. It is my ego that enjoys posting on facebook and blogs. It is my ego that says 'wait, stop calling me selfish'. But really.... narcissistic? I dont believe in labels. I think we all have issues that come and go. Fear comes and goes. I wanted to ask him "is there a pill for that?" That is pretty much the point of labeling someone bi polar, ADD or anything else right? Then you know what pill to give them.
Narcissistic or not, I dont think there is a pill for me.
This person was nice enough to give me a book for my birthday called "Why is it Always about You". I dont have it in front of me, when I do I can add in the rest of the title and author.
I am almost done with the book and I dont feel much better. I feel better having more knowledge on the subject, but more depressed about the state of society. More and more people are getting more and more selfish, raising selfish babies. The book describes how addiction is selfish. Basically anyone who is addicted, is a narcissist... that makes sense. I wonder what the percentage of addicted people is these days.
When someone is surrounded by selfish people, guess what? They take on those attributes, big surprise.
I know I am not selfish. Are there any moms reading this who have been called selfish? If you are a mom, how would it feel for you to be called selfish?
Moms have the hardest, most challenging, never ending, lowest paying, least selfish job in the world.
What I am asking for this year, is for me and all moms, to surround themselves with a loving supportive network of friends.

2011 will bring me
more loving friends
who are
emotionally healthy
supportive
motivated
grateful
part of my community
available
happy
and I will have the knowledge and strenth to know the difference!

existential crisis of a 7 year old

" What is a flower? A thing that makes pollen for bees? What is a bee? What am I? What is real? What is?"

She went on and on with questions. She is frustrated. She wonders what is real. She wonders what the point of words is. No wonder she has been angry. This seems like alot for a little girl to be worrying about. She takes on more than she needs to for some reason. Sometimes she insists that she is here to take care of me. She is a caretaker. She loves the earth and sometimes wails to release the burden that comes along with that love. She busks at the holiday market, singing about how wrapping paper, and most of christmas, will soon be trash filling the earth. She puts on plays with her theater troupe to act out how she feels about her mom and dad arguing. She tells me about bullies at her school, and how she challenges them to come after her so they wont hurt the 'weaker' kids. She tells me that her name means love and laughter. She tells me her job is to help people get their anger out.
She understands more than some adults I know.
And, she is a bit too much for me to handle sometimes.

WWTTD?

What would the tribe do?

After all the learning I have done over the last 6 years, sometimes I feel like ... like... what? An idealistic alien maybe. Does my ideal really exist?
I want tribal living. I want everyone to feel loved and accepted. I want to feel loved and accepted. I want healthy communication. I want people to emotionally support each other. I want to physically live in a tribe of people with the same ideas. I want my daughter, and all kids, to feel loved and accepted.
My bigger question is this, what do we do when a person does not seem to 'fit in' to a community? Sometimes we can tell them to leave. If they are an adult doing something "wrong" enough, we can send them to jail. We can put them on drugs. We can send them to a mental hospital.
What about a child?
What do tribes do? What did they do?
I dont believe in reward and punishment, therefore, I dont believe in jail. I also believe that if we support our children properly, there would be no need for jail. I dont think tribes had 'jails'.
Of course these modern urban 'tribes' are not the same as tribes of long ago... or any tribe that a person is born into and lives with their whole lives. When we throw a bunch of people together with many different life experiences, that s a whole different story. We have to build our own culture, we have to work on our issues, we have to heal our own childhood wounds.

I have this dream of living with an actual tribe with Ama. I want to be immersed in a tribal culture for awhile. Eventually I might go to Africa to do this, but first I want to go somewhere closer. I am very excited because I am pretty sure I will experience a native american tribe with in the next year. It is very exciting and also very scary. I have to overcome some fears of being accepted, among other things, and I know I will still have fears, but I will have to feel the fear and do it anyway.

and just a reminder... I am still working on building my tribe in Oregon. Eventually I want to get land and start a child centered ecovillage

I would love comments, questions,and connections to tribes and villages of any sort!

triple L time zone

I am in my own time zone sometimes. I hope that I can get back to my commitment to write here everyday, soon. I know I could be more proactive. I know there is alot I could do better.. but then people tell me I am being too hard on myself. I have a whole list of things I think I should be able to do. I should be able to write a small blog everyday. I should be able to get my schedules on track to be more proactive. I should be able to make a list of what I am thankful for, on Thanksgiving.
should
sure
well, I didnt
I do want to make a list now though, even if I am not having the most grateful type of day.
Thankfulness...
sweet potatoes- the white ones especially
goodwill bins
those moments when I can tell I am doing something right with Ama
argyle socks
Ama's smile
parent support groups
Heart of Now
gumbo
buddha church
breath of fire
friends
family
friends who are more like family
friends who make me start a compost pile with them when I visit
truth
dance dance revolution
my courage to try DDR
my courage to at least go to the booty bassment party
karaoke
hot springs
hulu
flashmobs
villages

long break

A quick post...
Yes, this has been a long break. over a month.
I had too many things change at once and I am still settling in. I wish I could be settling in. I guess change is a constant, but...really...this much change?!
I have so much I could write, and I havent been writing.
I have so much to say, and I havent been talking.
I have been listening, and loving, and working, and shopping and ...

I have been loving as much as I can that is.

I have been learning alot. I am taking a bunch in. I just wish I could put it into words sometimes...
I could write about the funeral
or
the family brawl
the mediating I did
the silly parts of the roadtrip
my dream about cows and bonnets and covered wagons
my new job
moving because we were kicked out- again
my indecisiveness about moving out of my ex's house
how I feel about potentially living with my Ama only half time
how I feel about my garden being ripped out - again
my ideas for what I am meant to do with my life
my really cool clients
my experiments in unconditional love
nostalgia
fears
loves
or sillyness

but for now
a list is all I can get out
<3