rewards

Years ago I read the book 'Unconditional Parenting', and learned that rewards are just as damaging to children as punishment is. I really believe in this concept. I took it to heart. I fully believe in love and trust over fear. Love always wins.
then there is reality
I really have a little girl, who has to get along in society. Although I dont really believe in some of these tactics, I do know I need to see her relating better in the world. I have noticed that she might do well with some rewards and punishments.
I am writing this in the hopes of getting some real advice from some real friends and parents and people who work with children.
My ideals seem to have not raised a decent child.
Trusting that she will have empathy and not want others to be upset.... has not worked. She needs clear boundaries, rules, expectations....something.
Not time out, not spanking, not bribes...
it can be a fine line though.
and sometimes I am let feeling like...' what CAN I do?'
I dont know what to do

I have started a little system. She does well with knowing what her responsibilities are and then having them acknowledged. We have a chore chart. She gets a heart for every job she gets done every day. One 'job' is being respectful. If she can tell me a way she has been respectful that day, she gets a heart. One day she noticed a time when she could have gotten angry and aggressive, but she made another choice and talked it out with me- she got a bonus heart that day.
I think this is working ok. it might take more time to really see. maybe this system could even be more clear. I'm not sure.
I did go to school to be a teacher, so I know the concepts-the positives and negatives of these systems.... but that is in a school setting.
I feel like I should know exactly what to do. and I feel like I have no idea.

I also think I need to regain the leadership role.
somehow
She needs to know the world doesnt revolve around her... maybe thats a whole other topic, or maybe that will come about with the system I am creating. I dont know.
Some days I just feel like I did this all wrong.