existential crisis of a 7 year old

" What is a flower? A thing that makes pollen for bees? What is a bee? What am I? What is real? What is?"

She went on and on with questions. She is frustrated. She wonders what is real. She wonders what the point of words is. No wonder she has been angry. This seems like alot for a little girl to be worrying about. She takes on more than she needs to for some reason. Sometimes she insists that she is here to take care of me. She is a caretaker. She loves the earth and sometimes wails to release the burden that comes along with that love. She busks at the holiday market, singing about how wrapping paper, and most of christmas, will soon be trash filling the earth. She puts on plays with her theater troupe to act out how she feels about her mom and dad arguing. She tells me about bullies at her school, and how she challenges them to come after her so they wont hurt the 'weaker' kids. She tells me that her name means love and laughter. She tells me her job is to help people get their anger out.
She understands more than some adults I know.
And, she is a bit too much for me to handle sometimes.

WWTTD?

What would the tribe do?

After all the learning I have done over the last 6 years, sometimes I feel like ... like... what? An idealistic alien maybe. Does my ideal really exist?
I want tribal living. I want everyone to feel loved and accepted. I want to feel loved and accepted. I want healthy communication. I want people to emotionally support each other. I want to physically live in a tribe of people with the same ideas. I want my daughter, and all kids, to feel loved and accepted.
My bigger question is this, what do we do when a person does not seem to 'fit in' to a community? Sometimes we can tell them to leave. If they are an adult doing something "wrong" enough, we can send them to jail. We can put them on drugs. We can send them to a mental hospital.
What about a child?
What do tribes do? What did they do?
I dont believe in reward and punishment, therefore, I dont believe in jail. I also believe that if we support our children properly, there would be no need for jail. I dont think tribes had 'jails'.
Of course these modern urban 'tribes' are not the same as tribes of long ago... or any tribe that a person is born into and lives with their whole lives. When we throw a bunch of people together with many different life experiences, that s a whole different story. We have to build our own culture, we have to work on our issues, we have to heal our own childhood wounds.

I have this dream of living with an actual tribe with Ama. I want to be immersed in a tribal culture for awhile. Eventually I might go to Africa to do this, but first I want to go somewhere closer. I am very excited because I am pretty sure I will experience a native american tribe with in the next year. It is very exciting and also very scary. I have to overcome some fears of being accepted, among other things, and I know I will still have fears, but I will have to feel the fear and do it anyway.

and just a reminder... I am still working on building my tribe in Oregon. Eventually I want to get land and start a child centered ecovillage

I would love comments, questions,and connections to tribes and villages of any sort!

triple L time zone

I am in my own time zone sometimes. I hope that I can get back to my commitment to write here everyday, soon. I know I could be more proactive. I know there is alot I could do better.. but then people tell me I am being too hard on myself. I have a whole list of things I think I should be able to do. I should be able to write a small blog everyday. I should be able to get my schedules on track to be more proactive. I should be able to make a list of what I am thankful for, on Thanksgiving.
should
sure
well, I didnt
I do want to make a list now though, even if I am not having the most grateful type of day.
Thankfulness...
sweet potatoes- the white ones especially
goodwill bins
those moments when I can tell I am doing something right with Ama
argyle socks
Ama's smile
parent support groups
Heart of Now
gumbo
buddha church
breath of fire
friends
family
friends who are more like family
friends who make me start a compost pile with them when I visit
truth
dance dance revolution
my courage to try DDR
my courage to at least go to the booty bassment party
karaoke
hot springs
hulu
flashmobs
villages

long break

A quick post...
Yes, this has been a long break. over a month.
I had too many things change at once and I am still settling in. I wish I could be settling in. I guess change is a constant, but...really...this much change?!
I have so much I could write, and I havent been writing.
I have so much to say, and I havent been talking.
I have been listening, and loving, and working, and shopping and ...

I have been loving as much as I can that is.

I have been learning alot. I am taking a bunch in. I just wish I could put it into words sometimes...
I could write about the funeral
or
the family brawl
the mediating I did
the silly parts of the roadtrip
my dream about cows and bonnets and covered wagons
my new job
moving because we were kicked out- again
my indecisiveness about moving out of my ex's house
how I feel about potentially living with my Ama only half time
how I feel about my garden being ripped out - again
my ideas for what I am meant to do with my life
my really cool clients
my experiments in unconditional love
nostalgia
fears
loves
or sillyness

but for now
a list is all I can get out
<3

break

I might not write this week. I am planning on getting in the car in a few hours and heading back to phx. This time for a funeral. I hope to pick up my mom and sister on the way.
I should have some great posts when I get back.
Maybe I will describe the amazing timing of it all....if I have the words.
right now I dont.

My car is clean
the tires are good
things are packed
cd's are ready

2.85$

I made 2.85 yesterday by collecting all of my neighbors bottles and taking them to Safeway. There were about 50 glass bottles out there waiting to be recycled. I just remembered that they were worth 5 cents each, so I may as well take them to the bottle eating machines at the supermarket. My goal was to turn them in before I picked Ama up from school... but I couldnt find the place. I felt a little weird getting out of the car to pick her up with beer bottles almost overflowing from the car!
We went back to safeway, found the recycling room, put the jars in the machine...and finally got our 2$!

humility, recognition, proactiveness, and balancing it all

Balancing all these things turns my mind into a 'huckabees' * debate. How can I be humble and receive recognition? How can I work towards big goals without an ego? How do I be proactive AND trust the universe to provide me with everything I need?
Right now the universe thinks I only need a few hundred $ a month, a roof over my head and an angry child.
I know I am exaggerating. I have alot to be thankful for and I wrote a whole list a few blogs ago. Something weird happened after I wrote that though and it threw me in a loop. I was sharing my gratitude, and within hours, it was as if the universe slapped me in the face...like 'ha ha lets see if you like this...lets just take away a few more of those things you are grateful for!'
anyway
I will just keep being thankful and keep asking for what I want.

I wanted to acknowledge my photos. A big part of the joy of blogging for me, is to share my photos. I thought I should make it clear that I took all of the pictures that I post. I am proud of them and I am ready to receive recognition for my beautiful photos! :)

*huckabees is my favorite movie (I <3 Huckabees). It is about existential detectives who debate somethingness and nothingness....

How to get what you want

"When you believe strongly enough that you will succeed at something, success is practically guaranteed – not because your belief creates the result, but because you don’t give up taking action on a massive level until you get what you want."

http://www.rockyourday.com/how-to-get-exactly-what-you-want/

A quote from a post on this website, rock your day.com.

I was reading a few motivational websites. I will need help staying motivated on this huge goal. I know I could make it happen. I also know that I will need help. I bet if I had the right kind of help, we could get some land for almost free. I have ideas. I just dont always have the drive to completely follow through with ideas.
So, I will do my best to stay motivated on putting my ideas out there.
Thanks for reading!

who needs disneyland....

...when you have oaks park?

Ama got a free ticket to Oaks Park from the public library reading program. It expires in a few days....so when she asked me at 2pm today if we could go...I said sure!
We had such a nice afternoon and it cost us about 6 $.
She got the delux ride bracelet, and I got a single ride ticket. The plan was for her to go on all the rides she wanted, and then, I would ride 1 special ride with her.
Well, some of the very nice ride operators let me on anyway.
We rode the carousel twice, a spinning balloon ride, the small roller coaster and the train together :)
It was a blast... and the view....o my. It is right on the river. It was a beautiful day. It was not too crowded.. and we rode our bikes there and back!
soooo nice

Sobonfu Some` ...an excerpt

"The community concept is based on the fact that each person is invaluable and truly irreplaceable. Each person has a gift to give, a contribution to make to the whole. The kind of gift a person brings, the kind of being a person is, is very unique to him or her and is valued by the community. The community is constantly affirming each person, and that constant affirmation is why people are always in the community. We sleep together. We work together. We walk together. When we are "separate" we are vulnerable and are more likely to underestimate the self. This way of life may sound like an invasion of privacy to a lot of people, but not in my village. Being in community forces us to cultivate a deeper sense of intimacy with one another, to notice one another and value one another's gifts."

-Author Sobonfu Some` describing community in her book 'Welcoming Spirit Home'

spreading the word

I am getting better at telling people what I am looking for. I need to. A good friend told me the other day that it is much more effective to tell people in person, rather than thru the computer. I would think that the wider audience that can see the info on a blog, FB, email etc, would be more effective. But I guess its too impersonal. who knows. I dont like saying things over and over though. I would rather type something out once. Or when I lived in a community, I would want to say my words at a meeting, so everyone could hear at once. So, I am spreading the word, in person, more and more. Letting the idea of sounding needy, just fall away. We all have needs and I have noticed that the ones who speak up, get those needs fulfilled more often.
I need some land.
I need a hut.
I need help with my angry daughter.
I need a listening ear.
I need hugs.
I need a place to grow some blueberries.
I need a tribe.
I need a village.
Until I get my land and village started....I need a room to rent for 250 or less- and/or worktrade options.
I dont even like that I typed the word need. I guess I have some aversions to the word. I am feeling needy now :/
Does "I want" sound better?
"I prefer"?
Which word is more effective?
Oh, and I forgot 1. A big one.
I need a job.
10-20 hours a week would be fine. I prefer to have some stable income.
Thank you

final summer days

I spent the day on an adventure with Ama. For some reason I had to convince her to go. I ended up missing the turn to go out to the gorge, but quickly realized I could go the WA route. I have never been on that road, so it was nice to see some new spots. We drove over the Bridge of the Gods, into Cascade Locks. Our ultimate destination was the museum at Bonneville Dam. We learned a few things, watched the salmon jumping up the fish ladder, and took way too many pics of the soaring osprey. A lovely little summer get-a-way.

ok,ok

I know...it lasted about 3 days?
BUT
I was out doing research most of the day. I rode along the springwater trail, looking at possible locations. I also talked to a few people about my ideas.
There is a very cool spot out where the trail curves north. Along the bike trail they dont have many street signs, so its hard to know exactly where everything is, especially with the diagonal. It might have been around 82 and south of foster. Right in between the path and johnson creek. It might be perfect. It is owned by the city. I think people already squat there. So, in a spot like that, I would want to accommodate the people already enjoying the land and make it legal for them to be there. It should be a win win win situation.
Another spot was closer into town. 32 nd and Roswell to be exact. This is a big plot in the middle of a neighborhood that is not being used. One of us needs to look up info to find out who owns it.
I think I forgot a few people in my last post that lists who we need in the village. Of course- add to it! write comments! let me know that you are reading!
who did I forget?
librarians, marketers, law makers, homeless, students, researchers...

it takes a village...

...to build a village
Who wants to dream big with me?Have you ever dreamed of living in a village? In a teepee like the native americans... a grass hut like africans... or a yurt like a hippie?
We will need to start gathering people who are ready. Doctors, farmers, healers, carpenters, engineers, builders, storytellers, elders, children, caregivers, cooks, grant writers, bankers, hunters, gatherers, electricians, and plumbers.
I envision finding land in or very near Portland. SE Portland, next to the springwater trail and johnson creek. As many acres as we can get.

commitment

I want to do something I havent done in awhile...commit. I want to commit to writing here everyday. Just saying that makes me want to say....wellllll maybe every other day. I can commit to that. I think. I should just say everyday. I will write everyday. I have many ideas on this new project and with a goal in mind, I now have more motivation to write. I want to share my ideas with the world (at least the small portion that will read this).
I do hope to write more than this usually. I am tired though.
note to self-write on blog before 1030pm.
:)

a beginning

I didnt think I wanted to start another community. Then I started to wonder if its just my fears holding me back. It's time to dream big and try something crazy. It has worked for me in the past.
I have almost no money, but I will get some land. I have started gathering my tribe and I will work even harder now.
Lets build a village!

to be continued

from 8-22-10

Portland century 2010. I am riding my bike today in honor of Shawn. He was one of those people everyone can instantly love. His heart must have eminated his essence and love of life all the time. I just knew at the time that he could bike ride 30 miles with me, even if I took all day. He could enjoy sitting in my van in a parking lot. He made it fun. He took pictures. He taught me about the osprey. We looked at plants. He did his Michael Cera schtick. We laughed at the calorie counter on the burgerville receipts . We laughed when the worker argued with Ama about 25 cents. He joined the costume bike parade and left with me when I was tired. He helped load all 6 of us and our bikes into the van for a quick getaway. He witnessed the watermelon boat incident TDF 2009. He chilled and watched the sprockettes with us.
It all seems so simple. It is. We can all enjoy every moment of life like he seemed to do. So simple, yet so hard to find... a person who holds no judgement, loves life, who can just jump into your life for a moment or a day or a weekend, with no expectation ... just pure love.
For the benefit of all beings, I will joyfully ride today, holding your essence in my heart.

how sweet it is....

I seriously need to document my life more often. I will try to describe the most recent random encounter.

I was innocently laying on the sidewalk in the front of the house, soaking up the warmth. Letting go of the ideas passerbys may have. 'How weird, why is that girl laying on the ground, she is so weird'. It felt too nice to care too much about what people could be thinking.
A car pulls up, running over the curb a little...with the tunes 'red red wine' pouring out of the window. The man runs out jokingly yelling 'is she ok, does she need cpr?' He ran all the way over to me and does a re enactment of a chest push, and runs away congratulating himself for saving me. I am laughing at the absurdity.

A few minutes later he comes back and asks me what I am doing living in this house. Why am I letting the garden die. When am I going to get back on track. We have a short erradic bunch of conversations. He gives his advice, yet when I ask for clarification it is not given. He is a drug addict he divulges, so his money goes to that. All of his insights make 100% sense except for when he tells me to do drugs...for the benefit of my child. I tell him that I dont even take tylenol anymore and never have done other drugs. I would have liked more of an explanation on that advice. I am not convinced. His answer was something about me being stronger than everyone..so I can show them...
In the 5 minute interaction (if that) he told me that Ama will be bigger than I can even imagine in this world. She takes on the role of protective mother. I need to get back on track. I need to be doing more. I need to be there for Ama no matter what. I need to do it all for her. Nothing is about me.
-oh that is so frustrating to hear sometimes, with my need for freedom!
The only thing he was off about was drafting. He said 'you need to get back into drafting'. I have never really been into drawing architecture.
Ama rolled by on her bike and said 'do you know him?' He said something about how do we get to know people if we dont start talking. She said something back and he said, oh shut up. I warned him not get her started cause she will fight right back.

As quickly as he came, he got into his mercedes and rolled off into the distance....'how sweet it is to be in love with you'

universe seems more trustworthy in Eugene

I feel like I need to write but Im not sure what to write about. I am back in Eugene, it seems like a good place to rest and go with the flow. Ama is with her other grandma, so I got a few days off. It is nice experiencing Eugene however I want. It is nice to get a full, uninterrupted, night of sleep. I keep waking up at 5am, feeling like I could get out of bed for the day...but...I could also go back to sleep.
Maybe its time for a grateful post. I was flooded with gratefulness the other day, so here is a list...
I am grateful for...
a place to sleep in eugene, my car, my ability to crochet, helping Robin with his jewelry booth, discussing life with Mike, a Koskay hug, Samba JA, cupcakes, email responses, phone calls, upcoming Duniway interview, mochas, my bike Gertie, Anastasia, new pink bloomers, icosa huts, freedom, building my tribe, the game of Life, visitors, safe travels, honest reflections, real conversations, being asked questions, cds from Noriah, not living near the whiteaker block party, new friends, old friends, Ama, freeboxes, and learning.
I am ready to go read my book now.

a response about "opposition"

"thank you for caring. i would like to be honest in my posts, although some people may think i have issues. I think everyone has issues..they just hide it. I dont want to worry people too much , so I dont always write the negative issues publicly. I honestly think that most mothers find it to be excruciating , they are just too scared to admit it. its not natural to be so secluded in these little box houses. no matter how much other mothers claim they love it..they have bad days too. i wish more people would be more honest. but i guess all i can do is start being more open with my honesty. I think I will copy this on to my blog :)
and yes , an LV post might be nice to do. as i have written before, I am not motivated to write much these days though.
I just needed to get away..and run into the people i ran into...make those unexpected connections. I got some useful feedback from friends and strangers. mostly from strangers believe it or not!"

cotton candy skies

I just got back from a meditation with monks that I was able to attend just a few blocks away from my house. It was a lovely walk back after sitting in a crowded, hot room with no A/C. I didnt even learn anything mind blowing this time...but anyway...the walk home was nice. The sun was down, it cooled off and the whole sky had patches of pink in it. I could have made a youtube video and been like the "double rainbow guy". Darn, I missed my chance at stardom....I could have been 'cotton candy sky girl'. Silly.
On the walk home I was also reminiscing about a bike ride i had yesterday. It was so cute. I was riding home with Ama after her swim lesson and I had this total feeling of neighborhood living. We rode down 13th which is like our little main street and so many things were going on....
-one shop owner was checking on the people next door
-love cup coffee shop had a bucket of coffee grounds that the owner said I could have so I put it in my bike bucket
-Ama stopped to say hi to Eric, the bike shop owner
-I daydreamed of the 1200$ space for lease next door
-Ama daydreamed of the homemade popsicles at the cravin raven

I almost started singing "who are the people in your neighborhood?"
I'm glad that we know a few!

opposition

Is it because she is a gemini and I am sagittarius? They are opposites on the astrology wheel. Sometimes, most times, it seems like our wants and needs are in direct opposition of each other. I want quiet, she wants loud. I want to hike, she wants to sit. I want to be alone, she doesnt. I cant help but think she does this on purpose! I am tired. I dont want to be a mom anymore. I just want to sleep, eat, read, hike...whatever..on my own schedule!
And she still needs me.
I cant go live on a permaculture farm for a month cause she still needs me. I cant work at a buddhist retreat center, she needs me.
I feel trapped.
trapped in a stay at home mom lifestyle...isolated.
I can do so much more with my life...I think.
I cant stand this typical american lifestlye anymore. I dont know how other moms do it. They must really enjoy it. But it makes me want to claw my eyeballs out and run to the hills. If I wanted to feel this isolated, I would live in a little hut in the forest and forage for food.
but...i dont want to be isolated
i want community
i want to live in a village or tribe of almost any kind
eco village, native american tribe, african tribe, retreat center, amish village.
something different
something meaningful
I can do more than just be a mom
although i am hardly doing that very well, so maybe not.

today

it might finally stop raining for a bit
i might finally get on my bike again, its only been...what, a week? seems like forever
I finished a book called 'in buddhas kitchen'...it reminds me of how much I want to be a cook in a retreat center.
I worked on my jar net project, at least for a few minutes
I met up with a new person for some productive conversation
I took my laptop to a cafe to check emails
I helped Ama fill up balloons
the garden is growing
there are 5 things I want to do tonight
I am just about to eat lunch
listening to kids play outside

synchronizing in community

A last minute decision
taking a chance
asking for what I need (prefer)
braveness in talking to new people
saying yes to a request

I went to a meeting last night about dealing with despair in this time of crisis. It was a combining of the heart and mind. well...it turned out to be mostly a meeting of the minds, but thats ok. Its difficult to open up to such deep feelings of despair in front of 50 people you dont know. But we did discuss the feelings and struggles we are having in a few different ways. we did diads, whole group and a fishbowl styles of discussions. The meeting was facilitated by the transition town PDX group- they are great!
After the swirling discussions happened afterword, I asked some people to walk with me to the car. Then everything started lining up perfectly....Aaron was sick and not prepared to ride his bike in the sudden rain, Dan didnt prefer to help Aaron now that it was raining...I have bike racks...so I helped them. Dan says hey its 1030..wonder if hotlips has any leftovers...2 seconds later, heres hotlips, lets find out! free pizza! building community! new connections! yay!

buddha bear

A fully weird weekend started off Friday night after Buddha church, when I went to see Michael Meade speak.
"Traditionally, it has been the function of myth to wrap people in stories that make intuitive sense of the world and point to meaningful ways of being part of it. Yet, under the harsh rule of materialism and the dull spell of literalism myth becomes dismissed as fantasy, as something out of touch with reality. Yet in the inner recesses of the human soul, where the facts of life mingle with the mysteries of eternity, myth means "emergent truth." "

He spoke on the word 'weird' but I cant find a quote online, and of course I couldnt memorize what he said. It was a great lecture...and I saw some friends and chatted afterwords.
Saturday was the maypole festival. I always love weaving the maypole!
Then the family went to a craft fair, where we got to research our competitors and check out how others set up booths to sell their hand made items.
I got to try out a clay wheel and make my first clay bowl! A dream come true.
Then we went on a cartopia extravaganza. We were so 'alt' ... trying out the whiffies fried pies, curds and gravy, truffle pizza and a catfish po boy from the food carts on Hawthorne.
talk about alt...that guy on the flourescent bike was totally a 'wedding singer alt bro'.
Today Ama wanted to go to Buddha kids church. We both learned about avoiding bad habits. Then she wanted to go busk at the Saturday Market (that is now on Sundays too)

the sundog

Maybe I dont look up at the afternoon sun enough. Maybe sundogs are more common than I thought. I saw a very light one in phx. It mildly looked like there were 3 suns out, with a little rainbow edge. I also saw my first full sundog here the other day. It was also very light. It was hard to see the full rainbow circle around the sun, but it was there.
That day I went on a bike ride along the river by oaks park. I saw some herons and cranes and eagles.
I had some instant 5 minute best friends join me...we all watched the roller derby girls practice.
I saw some kids selling lemonade and dog biscuits.
I saw some treehouses.
I got cold riding in a t shirt , so I came home.

a picture of a sundog..
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Fargo_Sundogs_2_18_09.jpg

a visit sw of weird

Well, I made my trip to Phoenix as weird as it could be. To sum it up, it seems like we found all the nooks and crannies in the city that actually felt like we were in the middle of nowhere. And there was also a trip to the middle of nowhere with the help of my rental car. It's really the only way I can handle being there...surrounding myself with the parts I love about Phx.
cool days
in the desert
granny granpa
bikes buses and lightrails
fair trade cafe
pdc people
talent show
jay
hardy house- go veg!
gardens
foraging mulberries and quats and wolfberries
liya
sleep
rest
relaxing
irish nut .....mocha
hot springs
hidden valley
papago
evening bike rides
argyle socks
converse

it was a freak broom accident

a gaping cut on my face
covered with cayenne pepper
wincing from stinging
fear trembling
blood finally done streaming

ama comes in from playing and quickly notices
holding back tears
offers to cook dinner
and lunch
runs to the kitchen and starts whipping something up

I trust fully that she is fine
sounds like she's making chocolate milk?
no, cookies... its gotta be cookies
in a cup?
will she put too much baking powder?
not enough flour?
she is fine
totally fine
I will just read my book and relax

mmmmmmmm cookies and tortilla pizza
flour everywhere
hugs and kisses
but she cant look at my face

what does it mean?
i want to know
I am usually protected somehow
I dont invite accidents into my life
and this
on my face
it must mean something

best day ever

It's nice that I heard this a number of times today from Ama. It's really nice to hear. It feels good to hear that from her knowing that it's not just because we went to the Wunderland Arcade. It's not the best day ever just because she got an ice cream cone...or because we sat by the river and fed the geese...or cause she got hand fulls of coins to spend...or a shrimp enchilada....or walked to the park....or played in the hailpocalypse...or because we got an inside tip on how to win 100 more tickets in a few minutes to win the purple princess purse.
It's not really any of that.
It's how I gave her the option for another handfull of nickels or watching the budget movie....It was playing air hockey with her, and not letting her win...throwing rocks into the river with her....pushing her on the swing.....teaching her about trust by not changing the route to the park that i planned....helping her out of the tree when she was "stuck"....listening to her story....reading to her....saying no to the toy even thru tears....asking about her lego creations....telling her a silly secret.
I'm glad she is happy again!

new name, new place

I finally took the time to figure out how to change my blog name. I hope it doesnt mess up too much. I noticed it did remove all of my comments for some reason.
triple l northwest
is the new name
Portland is the new place.
This weekend was full of wacky portland fun.
a short list

national corndog day celebration
with ranch
homies
starbuck homies
busking at the market
free juice
coffee grounds
henna tattoos
reiki
sound therapy...makes me want to scream and run away
forgiveness card
crystal
pizza and squash
box of bike tubes
101 uses for bike tubes
californication
buddha church
zen tao and tantra
little inch worm
pendelton gold mine
new yarn!
new projects!
heart of now
new friends!
love tea
new music!

hawks lead the way

Some people have wondered, some have asked, some just know...
Why did I move to Portland?
If you are one of the brave people who asked, thank you. I love questions even though I might have a hard time answering. I'm sorry if I didnt give an answer that was acceptable to you. It's just very hard for me to explain these things sometimes. Even though I may have seemed doubtful, not confident, or gave some silly excuse for moving... I do know what I am doing.
and if I told you the hawks told me...?.... that might seem crazy
but
the hawks have been watching me. Every time I drive to and from portland for the last few months, I have seen hawks on the side of the freeway, flying in the median, sitting in the trees and once in my dream.
I have never seen so many hawks until yesterday, when I must have seen 20 along the 2 hour freeway drive.
I also need to mention the other birds that visited yesterday.
osprey, geese, vultures, and some smaller birds that fly in clumps...
those were amazing
the little flock birds were swarming around above the freeway
then
parted in to two groups
choreographed beautifully
I cant even describe it with words...it was like out of a movie
ok..i will try
imagine a curtain of birds in front of you
and as you get closer, they part
to each side of you
letting you pass through

yes
thats what it was like
and on the road I listened to the group 'the bird and the bee'
and when I asked Ama if we should pull over and get a picture of one of the hawks, I realized that the song playing said 'dont take my picture'
so, we didnt stop


Bird and the Bee
"Spark"

"I heard a spark
Something that glowed a hundred feet higher
I open my eyes when there is light
To see if I'm closer
What if I stopped, just for a while
To make it go slower
Still up the night, just for a while
To see if Im finer
Live like Im finer
Tell me a tale
Something with fire
To break from the sorrow
To break through the dirt, piles of earth
To see where the sun goes
What if I stopped, just for a while
To see if I'm closer
Still up the night, just for a while
To see where the sun goes
Oh-h-h-h
I heard a spark
Something that glows a hundred feet higher
I open my eyes when there is light
To see if I'm closer
What if I stopped, just for a while
To see where the sun goes
Still up the night, just for a while
To see if I'm finer
Live like I'm finer"

...and flashmobs rule

I knew I wanted to write about the flashmob I participated in last week, and then I got this email....
I couldnt explain the concept and thrill of a flashmob better. Some people have actually argued with me because they think it is a waste of time. I hope those people read this.

"I wanted to thank each and every one of you for making manifest the dream of a flash mob dance at our 20th anniversary show.

Thank you for stepping out of your comfort zone and participating in this wholly creative act for absolutely no lofty nor important reason, but only because it makes the human soul sing when people come together and pour their energy into creating something beautiful and alive! Thank you for sweating and working to make something as perfect as possible that you didn't even know would fly in real time in a room packed with people. Thank you for your courage in jumping in early and for sticking it out when you couldn't tell if many people would be in it with you. Thank you for jumping in at the last minute because you just heard about it even though you weren't sure you'd get it right or you were afraid of looking silly. Thank you for pushing yourself to learn the dance when you weren't sure you could, or if you had time, or whatever obstacles life may have presented. Thank you for living with that song in your head day in and day out (which may have been ok at first, but geez!) Thank you for making special arrangements with family and friends to be at rehearsals when you were supposed to be someplace else, or your kids wanted you. Thank you for waiting around forever on Saturday to rehearse with the band only to be told after just one take that there wouldn't be time for more live practice. ?!*?&%$? Thank you for braving the crowd and dealing with whatever leftover details to make it to the show and onto the dance floor at the right moment. For giving it your all and for stepping up your role from "follower" to "leader" so that others could follow you or so that the crowd would move out of the way for the dance contest. Thank you for putting yourself out there and working your butt off for weeks not knowing how any of this would play out and for your power and grace when a tripping guy blocked the dance you'd spent countless hours perfecting. And why???????Why???????

In a world where everything is so heavy and sad, tragic and dangerous, scary and mean. Where we fight for what we believe is right and grieve injustice. You worked hard to do something beautiful not even for some guaranteed tangible result, but for the mere vision of what might be possible if it worked out. The simple yet profound notion that you could move others. Make them laugh, point, cry or just smile. And for many more unique and individual reasons you may share here or I may never know. To me that is extraordinary and I am honored to part of this community!!

Here is a little history. When I first saw that flash mob dance from Oprah's 24th season kickoff party, I was so moved, I laughed and cried and watched it over and over. What was so moving to me was that I knew there is no way they could have paid 20,000 to learn that dance. It had to be something people did because they wanted to. Some vision for what it could be like that someone shared with them and a spark was ignited. This coupled with the knowledge that a spark like that doesn't get lit en masse. Each person, somehow, had to "get" it and put themselves into it. You can't dance in hiding or sitting on your couch. Dance is an on the court, butt on the line participatory event and takes energy. That was September '09. I wrote on my facebook page that very day something like, "anyone want to choreograph a dance to Higher for our 20th anniversary show?" It was a dream with a huge amount of passion and excitement behind it. Although a couple people said "yes" at that moment, it wasn't until the very end of January '10 that this little idea met the amazing Melody Spear. The funny thing is that Melody and I are friends and I thought I had included her in my email invites to make something like this happen. But it wasn't until we met over dinner that the spark was lit and from that moment on this little idea became an unstoppable freight train. Within 5 days of our dinner conversation, Melody had the entire thing choreographed and a "call for dancers" out on facebook. 5 Weeks later YOU all performed this dance. Wow!!! I had hoped this little project would find the perfect leader, but the experience of it was more fun than I'd imagined. I knew Melody was a woman who knew how to make things happen, but to see it in action was breathtaking.

It has been so much fun to witness this creative awakening in you, Melody, and your brilliance with following the steadfast rules of the universe. Love attracts love, light attracts light. Whose got time for anything else? I am honored to know you and can't wait for whatever is next!!!

Oh. Another little thing. We (The Sugar Beets) knew there'd be a lot of people at this show because we'd had great press. But we didn't know how many. We hoped (truly in our wildest dreams) 400. We now know that at least 600 people got in to this show and we do not know how many wanted to come but were turned away because we were over capacity. This whole thing has been a glorious experiment in manifesting and the power of vision and action fueled by joy and passion.

In gratitude,

Megan Bassett on behalf of The Sugar Beets."

Wow! I couldnt say it better. But I do have to add a few bits from my perspective that happened that night.
It was the Sugarbeets 20th anniversary celebration concert. I have never gone to one of their shows before, but my dance partner said she has been a fan for the last 19 years...so when the mad hatter guy started doing wacky stuff...she said "it wouldnt be a normal concert without at least one weirdo yelling something". He was a younger guy, wearing a mad hatter hat, sweating and jumping up and down, trying to convince the crowd to jump with him. He is also the one mentioned in the email who blocked the dancer from doing her part of the dance.
In other parts of the country, it can be hard to get people to start dancing, or get in the circle for a solo part....not here! It was hard for some people to get the concept that they were NOT supposed to get in the circle!
I love organized dance events! Cant wait for the next.

wish I had photos, but I went solo to this and didnt bring a camera. I heard videos might be up soon though!

where fluorescent is always cool...

I went to Christian skate night again tonight. It was as fun as ever. Ama is getting so good on skates so it is actually fun to skate with her now.
The experience of the skating rink is sooo different than the good old days in Phoenix. I just cant get over it. I was brought up at a rink with rules. I learned that it was not ok to wear tank tops while skating. I learned to skate ONLY in the all skate direction( counter clockwise) unless it was time to go in the other direction which was usually after a game. Other rules included... no stopping along the wall, no fast skating, help people if they fall, no eating on the floor, nothing should be in your hands.
If you broke a rule there were a number of people employed with a whistle to blow at you and make you follow the rules.
Now..skating in Springfield...imagine my horror to see....
ipods
strollers
tank tops
headphones
kids climbing over the walls
people going in every direction
people falling all over the place
people weaving in and out and almost knocking people over
speed skating

I mean...strollers?! really!????
it is mayhem
and i think people were squawking at me as they past me?

this post is dedicated to my lovely skating partners of the past...especially the girls responsible for my pink and white skates that now have purple pie man shoelaces...yes, I still have my own skates, thanks to Misti and Liya

northwest of dating

One time I thought I would go to one of those speed dating events. Luckily it was at a coffee shop, so I could pretend to be there for the coffee and not the speed dating if I chose to not participate. Luckily... because... I chose not to. I did however, satisfy what I really wanted to get out of that experience. I wanted practice talking to strangers. Since every table was taken, I chose to ask to share a table. I drank tea, chatted with people who came and went from my table and watched speed dating from afar. Not many people attended. I shouldnt have been surprised because people in Eugene are not speedy and they dont date.
On some things that might be considered dates we talk about how we've never known any polyamorous people until we lived here, or more often than not I am told that the person is not ready for a commitment, or doesnt want to date a mom.
On some things that might appear to be a date, we go out for drinks, go to a movie, hold hands and have nice conversations...well...those werent dates because we decided beforehand that we are just friends.
It can be pretty confusing up here in the land of 'Heart of Now'. I just hope that someday soon I will find everything that I am looking for.

lemons or chocolate

'when life hands you lemons, make lemonade'
I'm tired of this life lesson quote. I think I've done a pretty good job at this. I need a new one to live by...
something more like
if life hands you chocolate chips , make cookies.
something like that
something about appreciating the positives in good moments and possibly making good moments even better because I am so in the moment.
or something about not settling for lemonade
I'm tired of lemonade
if life hands you tequila , make margaritas
if life hands you lemons, barter for some chocolate and make a choc lava torte
I could probably make some smart reference to RC and women's liberation... not accepting anything less than absolutely everything
or
permaculture principles like the problem is the solution
i could
if i wanted to take more than 3 minutes to type this
if my brain felt more clear
but....
i dont want to right now

love and pickles

my baby is sick. She has been coughing for awhile but the last few days she seemed sick enough to not go to school. She was very angry and sad about missing taekwando yesterday and today we are resting up in the hopes to go to her 'Annie' rehearsal.
This morning we talked about her doctor visit she has tomorrow. I told her if she is still sick he might give her antibiotic medicine to take. She asked me if there are any foods she can eat instead. I told her I would get her anything she thought she needed to get better....her answer....
love
and pickles...
tomatoes
cucumber
superberry kombucha
arugula
grapes

of course, as I type this, she is outside running around with the hulahoop. How could I blame her though, its 60 degrees and sunny!

oh...the choices

Sometimes I am so grateful for the wonderful choices I am presented with. How lucky am I to have the choice of a free breitenbush hot springs trip, or an RC personal growth workshop. I had to turn down the hot springs trip, so I could be responsible and keep all of my weekend appointments, and go to my workshop. That felt pretty crazy. Ive been wanting to go to Breitenbush for years. I really did need to stay in town though. I made a good choice. Saturday was such a nice calm and productive day. I got everything done, plus some.
Superbowl Sunday NW of normal....
I went to a womens liberation gathering and test drove my vanagon with prospective buyers...
thats how we roll

power of ...now?

I really want to blog more. My thoughts are so scattered these days, its hard enough for me to even write an email, let alone a whole coherent blog post. What should I even write about? The thing is...all day, when things are going on around me, I am thinking. Usually I come up with really cool titles to ideas of blogs. I might think of a great sentence here or there. Especially at work. My mind wanders as I am scrubbing walls. Or when I am in absurd situations just observing...I think 'this will make a great blog'. and that's as far as it goes most of the time. Maybe I could just type my titles. a blog of titles. title of the day. but sometimes a song is the perfect descriptor of my day, or a picture, or a quote. The problem is...when i sit down at the computer...most of it has ....passed.... its in the past.
I like how I can live in the moment in that way.
its frustrating sometimes how i forget what i wanted to say or do
but also
something about it feels more real.more 'power of now'
if i had paper and a pen with me, i could write it in the moment. and rewrite it later. some of my better posts have happened that way. but.i forget to carry paper with me.
I would like to convey the absurd life I live. I feel too scattered these days. My needs for safety and security and support to not feel met. I guess, essentially that does convey in my posts. So, what I really want is to feel back on track, so I can feel settled enough to share my life with whoever is reading this.
I like sharing silly stories and permaculture lessons and somehow weaving them together.
right now I just feel like a stressed out mom

springfield learnings

What a strange town. It's not the same strange as Eugene though. Separated by a freeway, yet worlds apart somehow. They have the-weirdest-mall-ever, and the skating rink is like one I've never experienced before.
Ive heard stories about this city on the 'wrong side of the tracks' since before I moved here...but I dont take those things to heart. I thought, its basically part of eugene, how bad could it be?
I thought that, until I spent more time there. It is a whole different world.
Not in the way people told me though. My car hasnt been broken into, I haven't been offered drugs...none of that.
I ventured to the wrong side of the tracks the other night to go rollerskating. Tuesday night is the cheapest time to go and it also happens to be Christian night. It wasnt that bad. Not much different than any other time Ive gone. the music was actually better than the typical radio disney songs they play. they did some bible trivia...but the oddest part was when, one by one, strollers kept entering the rink.
?
uh... stoller roll 2010?
at 1 point there were 3 strollers out there
then one guy was just carrying his kid and skating...
maybe Im old school, but, where I come from that is a major no no.
this rink has no rules
they dont blow the whistle at you for skating too fast, or running into people, they dont help you when you fall, they let strollers in...

and that mall...
thats a whole other story

chasing Ben

I had a dream the other night that i was out on the town with some friends. We all had dates but werent that involved. My friend brought a date who happened to be Ben Affleck. Eventually I realized that if I ever had a chance to get to know someone rich and famous, this was the time and besides.... he is my type. So, I was chasing ben.
There are so many reasons I had this dream. While joyfully scrubbing walls at work for the true happiness of all beings, I am thinking. I've been thinking about contradiction. The good kind. The kind of contradiction where life as you know it has completely flipped. The judgements, ideas, habits and patterns you live by are turned upside down. And everywhere i go I am learning this...whether its learning true happiness from the buddhist lecture, co-counseling my friends and family, doing the Work, or remembering a line from a movie*.
I may as well list some other reasons I had this dream. Ive been thinking about dating, thinking about missed opportunities with people Ive known and not known, thinking about financial security, and connecting with my good friend Ben. Then there's the superficial ideas about meeting prince charming, being famous- at least by association. I mean, wouldnt it be cool to say Ben Affleck is my boyfriend? But, I can easily contradict that idea. He is just a person, equally 'cool' as anyone else.

So...for the true happiness of all beings, I will become Buddha in this very life, therefore I will joyfully post this blog.
buddhist teachings
http://www.dzogchenlineage.org/index.html

co-counseling
http://www.rc.org/

the Work
http://www.thework.com

*anyone want to play a game and guess the movie I've been thinking about?

only in eugene...

...have I gone to yoga, and the guys are better than the girls
...do I run into people I know everywhere I go
...do I get a newsletter from school reminding parents that the start time is 8:55, 45 minutes later than last year to encourage people to get there on time...because half the school is arriving late
...have I heard of a theater having auditions, letting all the kids be in the play, even the ones who missed auditions by days or weeks
...have I seen a 58 degree sunny day, followed by a rainy 48 degree day
...do I see a guy playing 'santa clause is coming to town' on a flute, in january, in the rain
...can I go to a 'green' fest and sample Divine cupcakes, theo chocolate, glory bee honey, oakshire espresso stout beer, cafe mam coffee, and sipping chocolate
...can I wear the craziest combo of double skirt over pants layered outfit with argyle socks and run into someone with an oddly similar outfit and /or get complimented
...do I not brush, wash or touch my hair for 3 days and get complimented on how good my hair looks
...I dont need to call most of my friends because I know I will run into them soon anyway

chasing rainbows

Did I already write about the correlation between Ama's happiness with school and whether or not we ride bikes to and from school? Well, she was happy with school until we stopped riding bikes. I am just not hardcore enough yet for a daily commute in cold and or rainy weather.
Her happiness went up a notch the other day...a day that would have been a lovely day for a bike ride, but it just wasnt feasible for a number of reasons. We walked out of the classroom hallway and saw a complete rainbow. A double rainbow arching over a lush park. She wanted to get to the end of the rainbow that appeared to touch ground right past the second tree from us. Instead of arguing, I just said "ok".
As we walked through the park, eventually it looked closer, ending on the bridge over the street. So we kept walking, and the rainbow kept moving. Eventually we were just about half way home (with my car behind us at the school), standing on the bridge, and she realized the rainbow is unattainable.

--this photo was taken months ago when we chased a rainbow in Dexter and discovered the answer to that question "where does the rainbow end?"
In Dexter, lake of course

until that night

some people wanted to know what I would do when I had a week off from parenting. this is how i spent my time northwest of normal...
crocheting a few new hats, different styles, different colors,
while watching movies
i went out to the movies twice!
i spun poi in a parking garage
i went to a bar! and got a sampler of 4 beers... hazelnut, orange honey, chocolate, and something that tasted like perfume
i learned how to purl (?) knit
i moved out of my house
i got rear ended...by someone I know
i went through almost every item i own, and got rid of more stuff
i watched tv
i went to bed at midnight and woke up at 10am most days
i went to a new years eve/slumber party at a community farm
stayed up till 2ish having girl talk

never been kissed..........

I have been nostalgic the last few days. Apparently it's all because of this special blue moon, lunar eclipse new years eve thing. Or maybe its just that time of year. It easy to start remembering what I did last year at this time ( I was running the LV kitchen while my boss was on vacation). 2 years ago I was in Phoenix celebrating with the coolest crew, my permie friends and cafe friends. 3 years ago I did a yankee swap gift exchange gone wrong with my family, then saw fireworks on the space needle.
It's just easier to remember the years past with something to mark the years with...like the holidays, or the ages of a child.
It's all a blur after that for me though. These last few years have been the best ever. I am so glad to do the cool things I do now.My next step is to really be able to enjoy the times with more people. I want to really know people, and for them to know me.
What else do I want?
I want to write more
I want to know what I want
I want to ask for what I want
I should put this in a more positive form by saying 'I will'
I will be a better mom
I will have a great support network
I will live life with joy and ease
I will expand my garden
I will have an art show
I will make more than enough money for everything I need
I will sell my van
I will live in community
I will be proactive
I will manifest greatness