conclusion

On January 28th, 2011, I came to a conclusion. After years of extensive research, observation, and reading , I decided that this concept of loving yourself will make others like you, is simply not true. I believed the theories out there. It's a great concept in an ideal world... a world where everything is purple and pink with flowers and unicorns and frolicking under rainbows. Sure , if I decide to see the world through these rainbow colored glasses, then it might make it true in my own little world. If I imagine everyone loves me, then in my head it is true.
I dont see that happening in reality though until everyone, or lets say over half of everyone, puts on the same peace, love and rainbow glasses too.
In reality, there are many people wearing poop colored glasses (I am borrowing this term from Kaseja at Heart of Now).
Believing in these theories helped me learn to love myself more, and put me on this path and its great. I have faith that the more we all concentrate on world peace, it will happen. My outlook is positive, and, realistic.
I have experimented with loving myself in order to attract loving people. Maybe, I was around the wrong people in the first place? , but my lack of social skills is what I see turning people off. No matter how loving the person isand no matter how much I love myself, if I dont do the right small talk, they move on in most cases.
On the other end, I have been in horrible moods, not liking my life and good things have happened to me.
Until we are all peaceful Buddha like people, we will be attracted to the good conversationalists, who entertain us or know how to compliment us, and not attracted to those who seem different, wrong or bad.
We all have golden hearts with pure loving intentions when you take all the other crap away.

creeks, flowers and lattes

I am equally content with so many things, it seems impossible to make a decision. I really love where I am living right now. I love being in a neighborhood. I love sitting at my desk, looking out the window and seeing the guy who built a canoe attached to his bike, walk by. I wonder where his boat/bike is. I love riding my bike down the street and recognizing a FB friend who I have not yet met in person. I love walking around the corner to get a 2$ latte. In the spring I will love it even more when my walk to the creek includes being showered by pink petals from the trees.
And... I really love living in nature. I loved living in a little cabin in the woods. I loved walking down to the swimming hole to sit and breathe. I loved cooking for my community mates. I loved the daily social opportunities living with 15-80 other people in the forest.
Ideally I would find the perfect blend of these 2. I want to find an acre, in the city and invite my friends to live with me. I think it would be an ideal way to live a permaculture life. I want 1 main, big, community house... and then a lovely outdoor house with a kitchen and shower and composting toilet... and small living areas scattered around like huts, tee pees, tents, cobs, strawbales, treehouses and containers....
I want to be by a creek and/or open space. We will have fruit trees, berries, grapes, and other foods growing.
We will live very simply, and still be able to walk down the street and get a latte :)

current events

I get most of my news from my clients. I was asked yesterday "do you keep up with ANY current events?" I'm not really sure how to answer that. My current events involve getting Ama to school, or who's bathroom did I clean today, or how many piles of leaves did I rake, or does my friend need emotional support, or when is Ama having a playdate... etc.
I dont have a tv. I dont get the paper. I dont browse the internet news.
I sometimes listen to NPR. I read a facebook post here or there. I listen to my friends opinions.
'Did you hear what that guy said, who was in Iraq, but left and did that thing last year?'
umm, no
that is 1 reason why I dont keep up with current events... thats how I would sound if I tried talking about it. That is pretty much what my client asked me. And... is it a current event if it was last year?
I can hardly keep up with my current events, I cant keep up with every politician, celebrity, or anything else.
Is that bad?
I dont think so. I get a little embarrased. People somehow then assume I am dumb and thats annoying. Or they assume I am not interested. I am. I can listen to people and their opinions all day. But there are very few things I have strong opinions on, so asking me my opinion... might sound something like
'oh, uuuh , yeah, that guy did that, ok. I guess that worked for him. I hope he is happy with that choice'

happiness is...

...listening to 2 little girls singing this at a birthday party talent show today






and then dedicating the happiness and joy in that room to all beings!

elders

http://communities.ic.org/articles/1413/Elderhood_In_and_Out_of_Community

My friend and former community-mate wrote this article for communities magazine. I have been thinking about these issues alot lately. Obviously I thought about how children and elders can be respected in community when I lived at Lost Valley ( the community Dianne founded and wrote about in the article). Now, that I work with elders I see the need for community even more. I get paid to work with elders because in most cases, they have no one else to help them. It is very sad. I love helping people, I love my job... and sometimes I feel guilty accepting their gratitude, I cant help but think.... yeah, but I am getting paid to be here. I have to get paid, that is just my situation right now unfortunately.

These thoughts are what sparked one of my last blogs about isolation. I have left a few jobs crying because the elders I work with are not respected members of community..
A lady lost her husband 10 years ago and is still sad and lonely filling her time with t.v.
A man lost his wife a year ago and has no idea how to cook.
A lady was sent to live in a depressing nursing home because she has no one else to care for her or even sit and chat with her.

Its time to build lovely communities that respect everyone's goodness.

sidenote-
this picture was taken at Lost Valley
some of you may not know that we were told to leave. one of the reasons was that Ama was a liability because she climbs trees

waking up

I just wanted to write a quick note before work. I am sitting here with my marshmallow topped mocha, reading emails, checking my horoscope, sending out some facebook love...
Thank you to my friends who have sent some very useful advice and words of encouragement. I like getting feedback from others on how I can improve.
I am also excited. My horoscope yesterday said that I need to be around people who can help me save the world 1 person at a time. That sounds perfect. That sounds even better than my older saying that was saving the world one jar at a time (my other blog) because ultimately it does come down to saving each person.
No
I dont mean I am trying to "save" people. I mean it in an activist type of way. Or in a way of helping people find joy,and happiness... helping people 'wake up' to what is happening in the world and what is happening with themselves. Or helping 1 parent at a time, so they can help one child at a time.
Todays horoscope was about how busy my life will be getting. that also sounds about right. I have been getting more proactive and effective with scheduling. I have a calendar right here next to me even! I have something going on for the next week straight... multiple things in each day. I am having dinners, going to dances, lunches, playdates and maybe even a concert.
I could write so much more on these topics ... but for now I need to go to work :)

rewards

Years ago I read the book 'Unconditional Parenting', and learned that rewards are just as damaging to children as punishment is. I really believe in this concept. I took it to heart. I fully believe in love and trust over fear. Love always wins.
then there is reality
I really have a little girl, who has to get along in society. Although I dont really believe in some of these tactics, I do know I need to see her relating better in the world. I have noticed that she might do well with some rewards and punishments.
I am writing this in the hopes of getting some real advice from some real friends and parents and people who work with children.
My ideals seem to have not raised a decent child.
Trusting that she will have empathy and not want others to be upset.... has not worked. She needs clear boundaries, rules, expectations....something.
Not time out, not spanking, not bribes...
it can be a fine line though.
and sometimes I am let feeling like...' what CAN I do?'
I dont know what to do

I have started a little system. She does well with knowing what her responsibilities are and then having them acknowledged. We have a chore chart. She gets a heart for every job she gets done every day. One 'job' is being respectful. If she can tell me a way she has been respectful that day, she gets a heart. One day she noticed a time when she could have gotten angry and aggressive, but she made another choice and talked it out with me- she got a bonus heart that day.
I think this is working ok. it might take more time to really see. maybe this system could even be more clear. I'm not sure.
I did go to school to be a teacher, so I know the concepts-the positives and negatives of these systems.... but that is in a school setting.
I feel like I should know exactly what to do. and I feel like I have no idea.

I also think I need to regain the leadership role.
somehow
She needs to know the world doesnt revolve around her... maybe thats a whole other topic, or maybe that will come about with the system I am creating. I dont know.
Some days I just feel like I did this all wrong.

angels

What if we all treated other people like they were angels blessing us with their presence?
An author I love , Sobonfu Some, writes about her village in Africa and how they believe that everyone has a gift. It is the job of the people in the village to help each person remember their gifts. They also see conflict as a gift.
"Without conflict to crack open hidden thoughts, meanings, and energies, and without the means of dealing with conflict, a community is bound to stagnate and eventually cease to exist."
quote from her book "Welcoming Spirit Home"

Like I was mentioning in the last post, I have a hard time letting other people see when I am not at my best parenting. Although I believe in this idea about conflict, it is very hard for me to feel 'wrong', or to feel judged by outsiders. I am doing better and trying different things. If Ama has an outburst in public, I do my best to just sit with it... patiently... and try to listen to her needs.... and not feel the need to hide.
Today some angels visited us.
A tantrum on the street turned into a power struggle. I did my best, and I really wanted to get out of the cold, and I wanted to eat.. and honestly, I needed to win this battle.
but thats not the point
2 people came by to help
1 lady came by and said the hospital might be able to help us ... :/
another lady came by on her bike and asked Ama about her needs... offered her hat if she was cold, offered her mittens, offered a ride since she didnt want to walk...
It is difficult for me to fully accept help sometimes, yet I do want it. I did my best to accept the gifts these angels brought to us today. Ultimately the 2nd lady helped end the 20 minute stand off debacle on 21st and Division this afternoon.
I hope we all can do this more often.
No matter how difficult or uncomfortable it may be, this is how we can end oppression, abuse, bullying, and even prevent kidnapping. We have to speak up, we have to help each other.
I am so thankful.
My heart is so full tonight.
I was told that I was angel. Within an hour of the debacle, I ran into a lady I worked for last month. I was her angel :)

isolation

Something has happened here, where freedom and independence has turned into isolation. I think there are many -too many- people out there who can go through a day and not talk to anyone. Many more people are going though days only talking to a few select people. And how much of that talk is meaningful?
I also think some of the most isolated people are moms. I can remember many days when Ama was a baby, when she was the only person I talked to. It can literally make a person crazy. Sure, I took her to storytimes, classes and on errands, but conversations at those places dont usually get too deep. I was doing my best, but I dont think she learned very good social skills from these things. I have never claimed to be a good person to learn social skills from! As she got older and started causing more "trouble" , I wanted to be even less social. I cant bring a child who hits on a playdate can I? Eventually I learned that if I didnt bring her to playdates then how would she learn not to hit? I made that realization but didnt know I had much bigger issues to overcome. -thats another story-
This is a viscious cycle and a huge oppression to overcome.
I am trying so hard to beat my isolation tendencies and gently help others at the same time.... and it is so hard for me. I am not outgoing, I have been considered extremely shy for parts of my life, and my parental self esteem seems pretty much gone. I am trying. Everything I have learned has been pointing me in this direction. I want to try harder, even if people might think it's weird.
If I invite you to dinner.... remember how hard it can be to have someone in my space.
If I bring my child to an event.... trust that I know she should be there.
If I come to your event.... understand my quiet nature comes from fear and/or contentment.
If I invite you to come live in my village.... tell me your ideas, and ask about mine.
If I invite you rollerskating, trampoline jumping, or to a party in the Fred Meyer lounge on Hawthorne.... (I hope you come)
whatever it is
know that I am doing my best to break the isolation patterns that are too common in society.

change

In an attempt to write more, I have apparently taken to the style of writing whatever I am thinking or feeling in that moment. I dont edit or write rough drafts.
I was thinking about how different my life can be from week to week. This has been a crazy year. A week ago I had a different life. I was living with my ex, wondering if I would be able to keep my foodstamps because of it. I was home with Ama for winter break, planning a move.
This week I live with another mom, I have plenty of money on my food card, I have a new client, Ama rides the bus to school again, it is a new year.. and it feels like a new life.
A month ago was another life.
October seemed to have a whole different life, and 3 months before that... completely different!
In those months there were even major deviations. I like a life full of variety... but how about some stability too.
please.
Maybe the important things are stable in my life. I have food, a place to live, certain people who will always 'be there'.
I dont think there is a point to this. I was just noticing how different things can be. Certain people are very important in your day to day life one day, then they seem like a figment to your imagination the next.
Things seem very scary one day, then forgotten the next.
At any point a new person could enter my life and change it all again.

minor breakdown

I am freaking out. Birds are falling out of the sky, I am sitting here alone, I feel like a mess, I need connection, my kid seems possessed, I drive too far to work, I need to shave, I only want pizza-ice cream-and mochas, I have rent to pay, I need a career, I want to watch tv all day, I want to knit all day, I created a monster, and birds are falling out of the sky!
The birds are dying, the fish are dying... it reminds me of the squirrels around here in the fall... they were dying too- just like they died in mid nut hunt.
There is a group that believes that jesus comes back on May 21 2011. That is judgement day. So, guess what, if you are still around after that, you didnt get into heaven!
I almost have the capability to formulate my ideas about how this ties into the Buddhist perspective. Almost.
I should just meditate all day
maybe I can save myself from the earth hell they say will happen after 5-21-11
Why is it all 21's?
Why is the end of the world allegedly on my birthday?
12-21-12
Why does it seem like meditating wont help
Maybe this is too crazy to post?
oh well, I will just have to make a gratitude list tomorrow to make up for it

resolution ?

I guess its that time to claim I will do something different this year. Dont get me wrong, I know I will do things different. I know I will get better and better everyday, but will I really become a highly effective person this year? Am I already highly effective? I know I am highly efficient when I actually do things, sometimes.
There are so many things I could put on a list of resolutions. And now I can even put the number 1 American NYE resolution on there since it looks like I have gained a few pounds. The idea that keeps swirling around me in conversations is that I should pick 1 thing to focus on. 1 thing that would possibly cover most of the things on a list... like cultivate happiness, meditate, love, or support. They even suggest choosing 1 word to encompass it all.
maybe mine should be focus.
I have been focusing on 1 theme in the last few weeks, since burning what I want to let go of in the Solstice fire.
It still seems a little vague and wordy though.
It has to do with building my support network. I need to do some work on the wording and specifics. But this is still outside of myself so I want to use some of the resolutions that my teacher gave me at Buddha church... meditate every day.

maybe my word should be clarity
or
acceptance

Do I have to pick 1 word?

narcissism

I was called selfish recently. I didnt take it very well. Then this person proceeded to tell me this everyday in emails and decided to label me narcissistic. I welcome constructive feedback, and look inside to see if peoples reflections are true for me. At what point is feedback abusive though?
I can admit to having some ego that I could let go of. We all do. It is my ego that enjoys posting on facebook and blogs. It is my ego that says 'wait, stop calling me selfish'. But really.... narcissistic? I dont believe in labels. I think we all have issues that come and go. Fear comes and goes. I wanted to ask him "is there a pill for that?" That is pretty much the point of labeling someone bi polar, ADD or anything else right? Then you know what pill to give them.
Narcissistic or not, I dont think there is a pill for me.
This person was nice enough to give me a book for my birthday called "Why is it Always about You". I dont have it in front of me, when I do I can add in the rest of the title and author.
I am almost done with the book and I dont feel much better. I feel better having more knowledge on the subject, but more depressed about the state of society. More and more people are getting more and more selfish, raising selfish babies. The book describes how addiction is selfish. Basically anyone who is addicted, is a narcissist... that makes sense. I wonder what the percentage of addicted people is these days.
When someone is surrounded by selfish people, guess what? They take on those attributes, big surprise.
I know I am not selfish. Are there any moms reading this who have been called selfish? If you are a mom, how would it feel for you to be called selfish?
Moms have the hardest, most challenging, never ending, lowest paying, least selfish job in the world.
What I am asking for this year, is for me and all moms, to surround themselves with a loving supportive network of friends.

2011 will bring me
more loving friends
who are
emotionally healthy
supportive
motivated
grateful
part of my community
available
happy
and I will have the knowledge and strenth to know the difference!