opposition

Is it because she is a gemini and I am sagittarius? They are opposites on the astrology wheel. Sometimes, most times, it seems like our wants and needs are in direct opposition of each other. I want quiet, she wants loud. I want to hike, she wants to sit. I want to be alone, she doesnt. I cant help but think she does this on purpose! I am tired. I dont want to be a mom anymore. I just want to sleep, eat, read, hike...whatever..on my own schedule!
And she still needs me.
I cant go live on a permaculture farm for a month cause she still needs me. I cant work at a buddhist retreat center, she needs me.
I feel trapped.
trapped in a stay at home mom lifestyle...isolated.
I can do so much more with my life...I think.
I cant stand this typical american lifestlye anymore. I dont know how other moms do it. They must really enjoy it. But it makes me want to claw my eyeballs out and run to the hills. If I wanted to feel this isolated, I would live in a little hut in the forest and forage for food.
but...i dont want to be isolated
i want community
i want to live in a village or tribe of almost any kind
eco village, native american tribe, african tribe, retreat center, amish village.
something different
something meaningful
I can do more than just be a mom
although i am hardly doing that very well, so maybe not.

today

it might finally stop raining for a bit
i might finally get on my bike again, its only been...what, a week? seems like forever
I finished a book called 'in buddhas kitchen'...it reminds me of how much I want to be a cook in a retreat center.
I worked on my jar net project, at least for a few minutes
I met up with a new person for some productive conversation
I took my laptop to a cafe to check emails
I helped Ama fill up balloons
the garden is growing
there are 5 things I want to do tonight
I am just about to eat lunch
listening to kids play outside

synchronizing in community

A last minute decision
taking a chance
asking for what I need (prefer)
braveness in talking to new people
saying yes to a request

I went to a meeting last night about dealing with despair in this time of crisis. It was a combining of the heart and mind. well...it turned out to be mostly a meeting of the minds, but thats ok. Its difficult to open up to such deep feelings of despair in front of 50 people you dont know. But we did discuss the feelings and struggles we are having in a few different ways. we did diads, whole group and a fishbowl styles of discussions. The meeting was facilitated by the transition town PDX group- they are great!
After the swirling discussions happened afterword, I asked some people to walk with me to the car. Then everything started lining up perfectly....Aaron was sick and not prepared to ride his bike in the sudden rain, Dan didnt prefer to help Aaron now that it was raining...I have bike racks...so I helped them. Dan says hey its 1030..wonder if hotlips has any leftovers...2 seconds later, heres hotlips, lets find out! free pizza! building community! new connections! yay!